Waves

Sixteen weeks have come and gone. Sixteen weeks of missing home, family, friends, and my dog. Sixteen weeks of missing all those that i'm used to, all the food and drinks i enjoyed, and all the company i keep. Recently, attacks of home sick-ness have been slowly creeping during the silence of the night. When everything's quiet, when there is no more work to do, and when everyone back home is sleeping, I feel it so.

I keep regular contact with family and friends. But their virtual hugs and kisses just do not cut it anymore. I can't wait until I get home, honestly. There's this profound newfound respect that I now have towards OFWs and all those working abroad (either by choice or by circumstance).

And then there's him. I thought there was a break-through. That on one late night, I received a message asking if i'm still awake. because he wanted to talk. and after the usual how are you stuff, i found out what the call was about. he was having a major situation at work and the future. he needed someone to listen, maybe get ideas from, but basically just to talk and express all the negativity he has been feeling. I welcomed it, gladly. Happy that our conversations are not so limited. and we have these serious talks about life and career. so at 2 am, i was happy.

then the following day, zilch. nothing. nada. no message. i sent messages, no replies. so bam. this was the day i feared that may come. the first day i do not hear from him. I actually did not feel bad at all. like i saw it coming or maybe have prepared for it too much.

So the following day, i got the sorry message. and explained why he wasnt able to reply. and made kwento about his night, etc. But i dont know. From that day forward, the interest waned. I wasnt looking forward to his messages like before. I mean, I'd still reply. but the conversation continues the next day still.

Maybe he's drifting away. Maybe... I am drifting away. Wave after wave. I'm slowly drifting..

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My face above the water
And my feet can't touch the ground
Touch the ground, and it feels like
I can see the sands on the horizon
Every time you are not around

I'm slowly drifting away
Wave after wave, wave after wave
I'm slowly drifting
And it feels like I'm drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the wave

On Updates

A part of me wants to write about how happy and exciting my current lovelife is, or whatever there's to speak of. but who am i kidding. i know exactly what is happening. what it means is another story. and besides, i remind myself that i'm writing for me, and not fiction.

so here's where we're at. it has been a little over 12 weeks. and yep, we're still at it. no day has passed without an exchange of some sort. more often, itll be a string of messages late at night. but calls are there, almost an hour each. if it takes him too long to reply, there'd be a 'sorry.. <explanation>'. topics of conversation are usually updates on our daily lives (there's always kwento everyday), and helping me cope while im away. nothing sweet, nothing romantic. and no semblance of making bola anywhere. it's frank, it's honest, it's funny, and it's like you have very close FRIEND.

so i told someone about the current situation, and my frustrations too. (he's also working overseas, but on a more permanent tenure). and he says, 'honestly, im inggit'.. should he be?

so, it's been 12 weeks. i used to dread the day it would stop. when there's still no message or reply from him at night, i sometimes find myself thinking 'maybe this is the day'. ive come to accept it that it will come. perhaps, to avoid getting hurt when it does happen. 'preparing' myself for it. and then suddenly, there goes my phone. with a string of messages from him. and the happiness i feel seeing his name on my phone.

there are times when id think that he's just being a great friend. and that is all there is to it. again, because there's nothing romantic or sweet in our conversations. but a part of me also says that, nope.. someone who's just-a-friend will not bother sending you messages every single day. he would not say sorry when he replies late. and would not call you and talk for that long. and definitely, someone who's dating someone else will not do that. at least, not to you.

i guess, being regularly updated on what happens to him, and him knowing what is happening to me, is sweet. it is romantic. it's frank. it's honest. it's funny. and it's not sugar coating anything.. he knows the people ive met here, knows them by name, and knows my relationships with them. i know the people he works with, updates on his dog, and his family. i know when he's staying late at the office, when he's debating whether to be lazy or go to the gym, his plans for travel, even his expenses. we can be express our thoughts freely, which, if we said out loud to others, would be really bad.

so what i'm saying is.. i like the way things are going. i hope it goes on longer. and i hope it goes on for the next 9 months. and we'll continue when i get home. a lot can happen in 9 months, i know. he could meet someone. have sex with someone and find out he's a great guy too. or suddenly, just stop. but i'm actually not afraid of these things anymore. if they happen, then so be it. im really in no position to demand. but if this continues, then it means something great.

so why dont we just talk about it? and settle what we are to each other? personally, because i know i cannot ask him to do all these things since im far away. im in no position to do so. but if he does it on his own accord, then it really is something great.

i've said the words 'i love you' loosely in the past, and have received it loosely too. it has lost its meaning to me, as ive written before. my dates before would say it one night, then after a fight, it's as if we didnt know each other at all. during the 3 mos we 'dated' back home, and the 3 mos that i've been away, no 'i love you's' have been given. but maybe, this is what ive been asking for all along. peace of mind. regularity. consistency. no drama. no bola. no grand gestures.

and maybe, i'll realize in the coming 40 weeks, that it's frank. it's honest. it's simple. it's funny. it's sweet. and it's romantic. 

Random Musings While I Wait

I am writing now to get some things off my mind. Or rather, so that I don't forget that these things have happened. Or crossed my mind. Or for safekeeping, if you must.

So... lawyer friend and I have been messaging everyday, and talking once or twice a week. Until now. So that makes it 6 weeks, without fail. And i should be grateful for that, right? Having some semblance of a 'lovelife' to speak of. It's what I'm trying to look for, basically. consistency, regularity, intellect, continued interest, and the feeling of always looking forward to the next message he sends. Am I 'settling' because I have nothing else? I'm not ready to answer that question at this time.

And then it was Vday. We were messaging. and syempre, nothing sweet or emo. and then he disappeared for a few hours. Again, nothing unusual. and then said 'Sorry. I was watching Call Me By Your Name". And then.. boom. That must be a date. who will watch that movie on Vday and not be on a date?

Then I start rationalizing again. Maybe to dispel thoughts that I know would make me sad. Rationalizing that hey.. he's allowed to date. we never really talked. and it's unfair actually if he 'sacrifices' with not having dates or sex while i'm away.. so i tried to reply. nonchalantly. 'Oh. How apt for a Vday movie date." then he says "date ka dyan. saw it on the TV." for some reason, that made me happy.. because i still live in that bubble where I assume there's no one else.

before the night ended, we talked. for almost an hour. and that made me happier. maybe this could work after all?

and the cynic comes out again and says you're just making yourself vulnerable again. which is absolutely true. so im back to.. wait and see where it goes. still hoping that it's towards something happy. 

In Exile

I begin this new year with everything new. Because of work, I am in a different country, set to live out my entire 2018 in this new place. Where there is a lot of new culture to embrace, new language to learn (or at least try to), and new food to stomach (again, at least try to). I know that one year is a short time. But a lot can happen, or not happen, in one year.

My career, although heading in the right direction, has lost its velocity. This move hopes to increase my market, allowing me to earn exponentially more once I finish this task. More importantly, there's professional satisfaction. But enough about that. I've talked to countless people regarding career moves.

This blog, as you know, is for my personal (including sexual) thoughts. It was 'easier' for me to move because I, technically, am not leaving someone behind. No SOMEONE. Been single for more than two years now. Tried dating. Each one failing. No one sustaining my interest (or the other way around). Tried re-dating guys from my past. Again each one making me realize why they did not work in the first place.

All these could be my fault. I keep asking myself if it is. And the conclusion I've arrived at is... YES. My standards are higher than before. and I keep on telling myself not to put them down. Then I realized maybe they're not standards. maybe they are walls... walls to keep me from getting hurt again I guess. or making myself vulnerable.

Before leaving, I had the chance to meet someone. Lawyer. yet again. So intellectually and professionally, we're at par. We would fleetingly message each other every night. And maybe talk on the phone every 2-3 nights until we both fall asleep. Talks would last hours and not notice it. But there were days that pass without us texting. Either i fall asleep before he can reply, or the other way around.

We saw each other once a week. twice if we're lucky. alternating between him going to my place, or me going to his. Usually just talk. then sex. then talk some more. meetings would last maybe about 4 hours since we usually meet at night after work. Sexually, compatible. not great, but satisfying. so it wasn't a problem.

And i think i saw a problem. he was not sweet/romantic. No good morning. No urging to eat lunch. No sweet nothings on the phone. I thought it was a problem because i was looking and yearning for it. then I realize that I'm him, a couple of years ago. So.. I thought it was okay.

Before I left, we went on 'dates'. Watched a movie. Ate out a couple of times. and a few times just hung out. watched a movie on the sofa, cuddled, etc without things ending with sex.

Things went on like this. and we both didn't notice it was already 3 months we were 'dating'?. I'm not even sure we were. Or it was just friends hanging out, having sex, and talking. He had a Christmas gift for me. And I had one for him too. My gut says not to think about it and just let it run its course. So I did. Until this big career move happened.

So it has been three weeks since I left. And now we still message each other everyday like old times. I get to call him once or twice a week. He knows my frustrations while I'm here, and the simple joys I discover here too. Once, I thanked him for helping me get through this. And more than once, he told me to just hang on.

I still don't know what we are. Or what I should expect. Maybe he meets and dates someone? And I may not ever know. Or in the event he tells me, it should be okay, right? But I don't think it will be. But he has every reason to do so. I mean, what's keeping him from doing so? Me? I don't think so.

So I guess I'm letting this run its course again. And see if our nightly messaging last a month? two? six? or a year? And it's not like I'm closing my doors to dating others too. There's just really no one here. Haha. So... wait and see? and focus on my career?

The Thrill of It All

So Sam Smith released a new album while I was away. And the feels I got from it is rather, interesting. It makes you feel heartbroken.. all over again. Even if you do not have a love life to speak of at the moment.

As cliche as it is, and everyone seems to be just jumping on the bandwagon, Too Good At Goodbyes really resonates. Ive been pushing people away for three years now. And everytime I do it, the less that I cry and the quicker the tears dry.

As I was talking to someone recently, I have come to the realization that the words "I Love You" has lost its meaning, and its weight, to me. People have been saying it so loosely, that Ive managed to say it back loosely as well. Love, in the truest sense of the word, is something one fights for. You fight to stay together amidst all. Pride down. Complete trust in the other. But, sadly, no one, at least for the last few years, has meant it. And neither have I, I guess.

So it'll take a lot more for me to invest on someone. Invest time, and feelings, and all that sort. And IF, and that's a big IF, someone is able to shatter all these walls that I've built, then I guess he's worth letting in. But otherwise, me talking to different people, is just for the thrill of it all.



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I know you're thinkin' I'm heartless
I know you're thinkin' I'm cold
I'm just protectin' my innocence
I'm just protectin' my soul

I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I'm never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

And every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true