An Open Letter for Someone from the Past

I am writing this because I don't know if ill be able to talk to you again. And I think I need this release of sorts. To get things off my chest… because frankly, theyre kind of getting heavy now. And it shouldn't be. And I shouldn't let it. 

I guess it’s pretty clear now that whatever we have is over. Whatever that is. But I think that at least you should have had the decency (?) or the balls (?) or even the respect to talk to me. Or to tell me that it is. For what, you may ask? I guess it says more a lot about you than it is about me. 

For someone to whom you say the words “i love you” and virtually kisses several times a day, dropping me like that seemed kind of easy for you. Either you did not mean those three words really in every sense of the word.. or youre just being a jerk and this is how you act. I guess when you say you love someone, you don't just drop them when there “a lot of things” on your plate. 

I don't know how troubled your past is or how someone has hurt you.. But your sense of self preservation is pretty strong. But then again, when they say that you love someone, you share a little bit of yourself with the other. And that's how exactly how I am now with you. Ive started to care for you.. started to let you into my life little by little.  So you know, it kind of sucks how im feeling right now. 

Ive always joked (half meaning it) that im not really so sure with you. That there’s this funny feeling that you’ll just break my heart in the end. And I was hopeful I would be proved wrong. But there. 

And again, I don’t know. It’s as if youre hiding behind your work. And that what I would’ve wanted to say is “you could’ve at least tried”. But then again, maybe because it’s not me that you really want. 

Youre intelligent, I gotta give you that. And maybe all the guys you've dated you could manipulate intellectually. And that maybe you met your match when you met me (as you've told me). As argumentative as you are (because of your profession), you've met someone who calls bull as bull. And maybe it as too much for you that im hard to manipulate?. I don't know. I never got the answer. Maybe it was too much for your ego too. Someone 8 years your junior, who’s just starting to make a name for himself, is treating you like an equal. And that could be some scary shit too I admit. 

And as intelligent as you are, your emotional intelligence sucks big time. You may know yourself a lot. But you know, loving someone is being empathic with the other. Now, you don't only get to think about yourself. You have now to think of the other and how the other feels. If you do, or don’t do, something. 

So actually, what this whole episode with you has done to me is to shut me up. And be mature (?) about things. It’s hardened my heart more, for sure. And that doesn't seem to be a bad thing after all. 

To JC, here’s a glass of chilled Shiraz for you

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables