I Wish I Can Drive

I wish i can drive… to wherever you are. to wherever you will be. at least there’s some place i’ll see you.

I wish i can drive… so that i don’t have to think. Because it feels so good when i drive. I just go on and on and on. 

I wish i can drive… while the music’s playing on the background. singing on the top of my lungs when i want to. singing my heart out sometimes too. 

I wish i can drive… because it doesn’t really tire me at all. My mind gets clear.

I wish i can drive… and get lost. only to find my way back. and get lost again. 

I wish i can drive… because i can start some place, and end up where i want to be. 

I wish i can drive… and know all the different ways. Because whatever route i take, it’ll end up with you. Maybe it’s just taking some time. 

I wish i can drive… so i can pass all the detours already. 

I wish i can drive… and eventually reach you.

I wish i can driver… forever.

I wish i can drive… with you. 

I wish i can drive forever with you. 

Battlefield

"... we seemed like a good idea..."

So i've been liking this new lea michele song. and ive been trying to see how it applies to my artista life. and ive been trying to make pilit where it should fit since i really like the song. and then it hit me. now. damn. as in this.

we've met through the weirdest of circumstances. in a threesome. i was with someone i know, he brought him in. and damn. cutest guy ive ever seen. i was like "why is this guy doing threesomes??" so anyway, while we were doing it, we were trying to whisper sweet nothings to each other. kinda like dating during the sex act. giving each other hints that we wanted to do it with each other alone. or that we'll still see each other next time. we whispered. we kissed. and then kissed each other a whole lot more. all these while the bottom guy is doing stuff to us.

so anyway, i really wanted him. and somehow, i got how to contact him. and so i did. and we texted. found out we both liked each other. found out he had a girlfriend. which was in a weird way, really ok for me (more on this some other time). we agreed to meet.

we met a few days after. so fucking cute. so fucking hot. (yeah, cute doesnt always equate to hot and vice versa). and so fucking nice. the way he smiled. the way he kissed. the way he hugged. and other stuff too. he did something he has never done. and promised we'll see each other another time for sure.

i was getting those stupid butterflies. eeek. he isnt the texting type. he isnt also the talk-on-the-phone stuff. so i dont know where to place myself around him. i still call and text him everyday. but not too imposing. id even call him when i work late at night, and talk for like 30 mins or so. he's making me "crave" for him for lack of a better term. and i realized, it's not the sex i want. i just want to see him everyday, look at his face when he smiles, and then kiss him all day.

we tried to work at a coffeshop a few days ago. damn. butterflies again. and for the first time, i was comfortable having a "date". it didnt even matter someone recognized me. i was smiling like a puppy. he was too. our feet were fooling around under the table. gawd. wanted to lean over and plant a kiss. or hold his hand while i worked.

so anyway, i got into talking with this friend about him. his first comment: "bad idea". because of the girl friend thing. i told you it was ok with me. but somehow, that "bad idea" comment lingered. was i setting myself up for another heartbreak. it looks as if though im the one running after him, and i become happy if he lets himself get caught sometimes.

we talked today. finally had the guts to admit that i miss him. (we've said we liked each other a hundred times already). but missing him added some drama into it. and then i realized i needed to step back. i might be getting myself into a bigger heartbreak than before.

but a part of me doesnt want to give up because i know i havent done everything i can. but he isnt doing anything too, which sucks if you think about it. so the "i miss you" bit is the last of that kind. will just text him next time im free, and hopefully he is too.

get me out of this phase please. not used to all these drama and reflection.

---------------------

It's easy to fall in love
But it's so hard to break somebody's heart
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Once lust has turned to dust and all that's left's held breath
Forgotten who we first met
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

We both know it's coming
Does illusion count for something we hide?
The surface tension's gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie

You and I
We have to let each other go
We keep holding on but we both know
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun
Be strong for both of us
No please, don't run, don't run
Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield

We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea

No blood will spill if we both get out now
Still it's hard to put the fire out
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Feelings are shifting like the tide
And I think too much about the future
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

We both know it's coming
Does illusion count for something we hide?
The surface tension's gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie

You and I
We have to let each other go
We keep holding on but we both know
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun
Be strong for both of us
No please, don't run, don't run
Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield

We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea

Torpe-do

So i was trying to read a script at Starbucks a couple of nights ago. Then suddenly i saw this quite nerdy guy a few table away from me. He was doing his work on his mac. so i let him. and he let me be.

maybe an hour into concentrating with my work, came his "date". a tall, kinda dark, kinda good looking guy with a nice body. and boy were they playing around. flirting. they would joke around, laugh a lot. all these while the nerdy guy was trying to work, and the hunky guy trying to make himself cute to the nerdy guy.

and man was i jealous. how could this nerdy guy get someone like him?! and more so, fuck theyre in love. and i kinda knew that feeling before. that the hunky guy doesnt mind that the other guy's nerdy and body's out of shape. or that the nerdy guy doesnt mind that the hunky guy's probably a happy-go-lucky without ambition and just horny 24/7. fuck those things, because theyre in love. they laugh genuinely, enjoy each other's company, and in the end, theyre happy.

or so i thought. i think hunky guy saw me staring too long. and he caught me. he smiled. i looked away. then looked back again. and there were a few (wait, a lot) more times he'd smile back, and this time, i didnt look away.. not for a few seconds at least. wait, was he cheating?! haha didnt want to be a part of that so i kept on reading my lines.

then he turned. and mouthed something. i have no idea what. (i was in earphones, and i really cant just read what he mouthed). this happened maybe twice. i even caught him doing a selfie, trying to include me in the background. for real? cheating right in front of your bf?

i got turned off. and went back to working. eventually removed my earphones. and trying to eavesdrop on what they were talking about. nerdy was about to leave, hunky didnt want to yet. then nerdy said "ok lang, stay ka muna. di naman talaga ako ang hinihintay mo dito e". laughing. not mad, but laughing. they way you say to a friend who you accompanied into some bar.

they went out. but stayed at the tables outside. i was going to leave soon though too. went to the restroom first. and as i was on my way to the door, i saw nerdy and hunky outside in front of the door, pushing each other foolishly. when they say me near, nerdy ran away, leaving hunky by the door. as i went out, hunky was looking at my eyes, i was looking at his. and the torpe (or maybe stupid) side of me just looked at his eyes. no nothing. until i got a cab and went home.

i dunno why i thought about sharing this. it's not even funny. do i hope to see hunky again? yes. i even thought about working at that starbucks again the same day of the week just to see if he does too. for what? sex? relationship? i dont know. just the thrill maybe?

and i think i've given up on finding love. which is good, because ive got tons of work to do nowadays. i mean, i hope it comes. but im tired of hoping, looking, and hoping someone is the one. ive been victim to 'great on phone/text, good in person' but somehow, it just doesnt last. it's quite painful to date a pretend artista that's why.

---

One More Chance

So recently.. i watched, for the first time (yeah, kill me now),  that movie everyone was raving about. One More Chance. Now i know why suddenly people are crushing on john lloyd cruz even though he doesnt fit the mold of the hunky guys we all like.

And the break up suddenly hit me again. it kept creeping and sneaking on my thoughts. i get reminded of every little detail we both shared. and how it is going to be fucking hard to find someone like him again. someone who fits my hand like ours did, someone who i can spend hours just trading quips and banter with all night and genuinely laugh at his jokes (and not because im being nice). someone who excitedly tells me about non-romantic stuff (like new songs he heard, or news he just read). and who i have great sex with, everytime.

yes yes, i think im not yet over. ive tried to date, but it seems im not as happy as i was with him. just read his blog recently, knowing he's trying to date and he's still single too. like he's looking for someone he can share things, music, etc with. i was so tempted to comment that he did, and he can have it again. but that would just be fucking so dramatic. of course, ive tried to reach out, getting nothing.

i tried to appear strong, as the characters in the movie did. i dated. i focused on my career. but in the end, during quiet moments, the sadness and longing still lingers.

so for the time being, im taking each day as it goes. maybe go on dates (plus/minus the sex). to try to forget, to try to get distracted, or ultimately, to find a better him.

------

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

On settling

When it comes to relationships, i think i already know what i want and what i dont want. then there's what you call as "settling". like say, sex isnt great, but it isnt bad either. so ill just overlook it because he's nice... or put it another way, he's not that goodlooking.. or that smart. but he's really nice and he's always around.

on the surface, it may seem nice. like youve found someone youll be happy with. and never mind that he isnt great, as long as he's not bad.

but you see, i dont like to settle anymore. ive settled with one of my exes. and where did i end up? cheating.. because i was looking for something that we wasnt offering. i dont like to go back to that place. i want someone who wont make me look for something else from others

at the other end, i dont want for someone to settle on me. just because im the available one. ju
st break it off if you are settling on me. we both deserve better.



________


You bored me with your stories
I can't belive that I endured you for as long as I did
I'm happy, it's over, I'm only sorry
That I didn't make the move before you

And when you go I will remember
To send a thankyou note to that girl, (oh that girl)
I see she's holding you so tender
Well I just wanna say...
(Just wanna say...)

I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away