One More Chance

So recently.. i watched, for the first time (yeah, kill me now),  that movie everyone was raving about. One More Chance. Now i know why suddenly people are crushing on john lloyd cruz even though he doesnt fit the mold of the hunky guys we all like.

And the break up suddenly hit me again. it kept creeping and sneaking on my thoughts. i get reminded of every little detail we both shared. and how it is going to be fucking hard to find someone like him again. someone who fits my hand like ours did, someone who i can spend hours just trading quips and banter with all night and genuinely laugh at his jokes (and not because im being nice). someone who excitedly tells me about non-romantic stuff (like new songs he heard, or news he just read). and who i have great sex with, everytime.

yes yes, i think im not yet over. ive tried to date, but it seems im not as happy as i was with him. just read his blog recently, knowing he's trying to date and he's still single too. like he's looking for someone he can share things, music, etc with. i was so tempted to comment that he did, and he can have it again. but that would just be fucking so dramatic. of course, ive tried to reach out, getting nothing.

i tried to appear strong, as the characters in the movie did. i dated. i focused on my career. but in the end, during quiet moments, the sadness and longing still lingers.

so for the time being, im taking each day as it goes. maybe go on dates (plus/minus the sex). to try to forget, to try to get distracted, or ultimately, to find a better him.

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There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

On settling

When it comes to relationships, i think i already know what i want and what i dont want. then there's what you call as "settling". like say, sex isnt great, but it isnt bad either. so ill just overlook it because he's nice... or put it another way, he's not that goodlooking.. or that smart. but he's really nice and he's always around.

on the surface, it may seem nice. like youve found someone youll be happy with. and never mind that he isnt great, as long as he's not bad.

but you see, i dont like to settle anymore. ive settled with one of my exes. and where did i end up? cheating.. because i was looking for something that we wasnt offering. i dont like to go back to that place. i want someone who wont make me look for something else from others

at the other end, i dont want for someone to settle on me. just because im the available one. ju
st break it off if you are settling on me. we both deserve better.



________


You bored me with your stories
I can't belive that I endured you for as long as I did
I'm happy, it's over, I'm only sorry
That I didn't make the move before you

And when you go I will remember
To send a thankyou note to that girl, (oh that girl)
I see she's holding you so tender
Well I just wanna say...
(Just wanna say...)

I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away

Subject to Availability

The impression of being available (ie. cmon, hit on me, because im single, available, and im interested in guys too) is a factor ive only realized just recently. I was wondering how this co-actor, who (in all honesty) looks less marketable than i do, gets more guys, and even some of the guys i want for myself. and what's even more surprising is that he' s not the one making the initial move. so you can just imagine the inggit i feel, being still inside the closet and torpe at the same time. 

When were just starting artistas, CM (costar) initially confessed to me that he has a crush on me. I (being inside the closet, not attracted to him, and being his costar) just brushed it aside but wanted to still be his friend. So initially, it was awkward between us. but then things became good and we were friends again. so he starts sharing his crushes and conquests. and oh shit. he got a director, producer, teacher, production assistant, cameraman, new actor, etc. Basically, he was getting the guys he wanted. or actually, people were coming on to him.

and i just watch and wonder why he gets all that and i dont. again, in all honesty, im more marketable. but the thing i blame is.. the impression of being available. either that im too unapproachable, or that i dont give hints that i like guys enough, or both. which got me into thinking.. maybe i should loosen up a bit? or not mind how i appear? or give subtle hints that i like guys too? being in the closet and being torpe is not a good combination. 

i recently had a talk with a former one time fling turned friend. he was tall, handsome, built (like a model), and had a big one if i remember right. he looks like an alpha male, with no hint that he likes dicks too. and he shared the same problem. people are too intimidated by him that no guy/gay hits on him. it's frustrating. 

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I want you to know
You could be the one for me, yes you could
(Yes you could)
You've got all I'm lookin' for
You've got personality

I know (I know)
You know (You know)
I wanna give you more (Give you more)

The things you do
I've never felt this way before

So boy, won't you come
Won't you come and open the door?
Listen to me

(All I want is you) Come over here baby
(All I want is you) Oh, you make me go crazy

(All I want is you)

Next to me.. or Not

You won't find him drinking at the tables
rolling dice and staying out til 3
you won't ever find him being unfaithful
you will find him, you'll find him next to me

You won't find him trying to chase the devil
for money, fame, for power, out of grief
you won't ever find him where the rest go
you will find him, you'll find him next to me

When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished
and I can't seem to find no help or love for free
I know there's no need for me to panic
cause i'll find him, i'll find him next to me

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
well, all I need is a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, will find him next to me

When the end has come and buildings falling down fast
when we spoilt the land and dried up all the sea
when everyone has lost their heads around us
you will find him you'll find him next to me

Never in my life have i met someone like him
I'm blown away by his love for me
if you ever wonder where it is you'll find him
you will find him, you will find him next to me



...... OR NOT. jeesh.

Of Disclaimers

I hate disclaimers. I hate explaining. I have that "i dont care" attitude usually. But people are asking..

My posts are not chronological. My posts are not current. When something pops up (among other things), I write it down. If i finish, I publish. if not, i publish some other time.

jeesh. I hate explaining myself.

Open House

Been trying something new. Im now "dating" someone.. by date i mean we go to certain places, hold hands at times, eat out (or in), cuddle a bit, and have lots of sex. but we also get to have sex with other people as well. trying out this "open relationship" thing, or is there such a thing?

im not quite sure im willing to dive into a relationship again. seeing that the "perfect" one just failed. i think im still not over the loss. maybe because i almost gave up a year ago. then went back. then got put down. maybe i shouldnt have made the trip back.

or i could just go back to dating girls again. but that would be just fooling myself, and fooling her. i recently talked to someone, our kind dates girls from time to time to get that "feeling". of being able to hold someone's hand while walking, of kissing and hugging in malls, restaurants, etc.

anyway, i digress. so open.. basically, we can have sex with anyone we want, just make sure to be honest and tell each other. perfect for disaster, right? but we're not a WE yet. and im not willing to give it up just yet... again...

so yeah, we do. we tell each other. no jealousy at my end. nor his (i think). then one day, we were supposed to meet. for some reason, taping got extended so i wasnt available. then he hooked up with former one-time-on-screen-partner.

somehow something doesnt quite feel right..

1. im not used to this
2. im starting to have deeper feelings for him
3. i didnt like that i was replaced right there and then
4. it was a former one time on screen partner
5. all of the above

so even though i was having sex with someone that time too, somehow i think he one-upped me.. and he's enjoying that im "jealous". which makes me wonder, will he do it again so ill get jealous and want an exclusive thing?

so anyway. i dont know.


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Are you in?Livin' in sin is the new thing, yeahAre you in?I am countin'
1, 2, 3Not only you and meGot one eighty degreesAnd I'm caught in between
Countin' 1, 2, 3Peter, Paul, and MaryGettin' down with 3PEverybody loves countin'

Just so you know..

... im still alive

... im now a single artist

... im playing around... again... safely...

... im too busy with my career

... there's no love team to speak of. or any romantic movies coming soon

... ill write more when i have time

... time to be completely honest. maybe itll spell the difference

... i dont know if there'll be a next time

... just so you know


*** kudos to those who can identify the porn star above. been waiting for his "comeback"