Happy? New Year

Disclaimer: forgive any typos since im writing this after finishing a glass of wine on this fine new year's day. and forgive if i tend to ramble on senseless things.

the weather's nice. cool. calm. breezy. perfect cuddle weather. with just the perfect amount of drizzle. i prefer this to any sunny day. it's nice to walk with a jacket on, walk, think, hope. 

well the year's definitely new. but happy? haha i refuse to think about it. nor answer it. but let me try to.

work - been great. doing great on that front. future's looking bright. if i continue on my path, and not fuck up the things ive worked for, it's going to be awesome. lately, career's been the only thing constant. it's what i do most of the time, it's what gets me through the week. before i know it, a week's over, then a month, then a year. and im moving closer to that dream project ive been wanting to do. 

lovelife - hmm. it's weird. it's like i have it, but technically i don't. am i setting myself up for another heartbreak? i dont know. and when that happens, i know im going to tell myself 'i told you so'. i don't like to risk it anymore, been wounded and hurt and it took a long time before i got over the last time. i don't want to go into that dark place again. but what to do if things aren't going the way i want it to be?

do i compromise?

do i hold off?

do i wait/hope for things to get better?

do i get someone who's not going to hurt me?

am i too privileged to assume that i deserve the best?

these are questions that i do not have the answers to. and i think i just refuse to answer these things now so i wont get sad. but the wine's kicking in. and silence of the night (and of my phone) makes these thoughts resonate. 

id better sleep. and tomorrow, start memorizing my lines again. 

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Instead of the usual lyrics, i got some Grey's Anatomy lines. 

1. You have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean, sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture and close. But sometimes you're faced with a cut that won't heal

2. The key to surviving ... is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe... and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

3. Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts all you can do is swim. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing. Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

4. My point is this; whoever said, 'what you don't know can't hurt you', was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world

5. As surgeons we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and familes so that we can save other people's friends and families, which means that at the end of the day all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.. all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone.