Wallowing in Self Pity

I got a message last night why i stopped blogging. And then i answered because I was seeing someone who knows about the blog. And if i wanted to tell him something, id tell him straight. 

Last night i cried. and i havent cried for a long time. maybe it was the alcohol. maybe it was self pity. maybe it was acknowledgement of something about to end. i did not cry for just one particular person, but one stood out. i cried because everything just fails. 

i cried because i felt stupid. shame on you if you fool me once. shame on me if you fool me twice. tang ina ang tanga mo na talaga kung may pangatlo pa. but if you really care for someone, it doesnt matter if theres a fourth, fifth, or sixth. you keep coming back. 

i spent most part of the day trying to find ways.. to forgive, to trust, to make this work again. to lie to myself, to fool myself, that this can still work. ive resorted to wild and bizarre options. so that i wont have to leave, pride checked out and swept under a rug. 

but i guess ive had enough. i dont deserve to be treated the way you did. like someone you can get back to whenever you want. like someone who's always waiting on you. 

and not today of all days

so i cried. and i cried it all out. and cried how i allowed myself to be treated the way you did. and how everything i do in this secret life i have just fails. maybe its the alcohol again. 

so im writing this to you, because i know you read the blog, and i know you want to be on it. i wish it was some happy thing. but im too drunk to do so. 

MG. just find me when youre ready. and, I and this is what you really want. then when youve decided on that, win me over. make bawi, get my trust back, and show me how special i am to you. if that day doesnt come, then this is good bye..