Counting to Fifteen

Being in the closet is hard af. And don't we all know that. Oftentimes, we are forced to hide behind some form of being 'normal' so that we can do the things we love. For example, why not go on a date with girl, so that I'll be able to hold someone's hand while walking, kiss someone on the shoulder while having coffee, watch date movies with someone, eat candle-lit dinners, attend weddings with, etc.

So to try being happy, i go out with guys. and how it has failed over and over again. and most of my blog posts are about that. and it's usually my way of coping that's why i write. the last relationship i had fucked me up big time. i havent been single for this long. and i dont know if ill be able to find another one.. who can sweep me off my feet.. and not settle only so that i just have someone around.

so i begin to date. no expectations. see where it goes. but i cant seem to find myself giving my best to maintain the relationship. i don't necessarily do things to fuck things up, but with the first sign i see something bad, all hope is lost. im now afraid to compromise, to exert much effort, to make a fool out of myself again... just to waste it on heartbreak after a while.

and one thing ive also noticed is that i say the word 'i love you' quite loosely nowadays. maybe i say it because the other says it. or to make them feel good. but it has lost all its meaning to me now. i still cant believe that you can say 'i love you' and then one fight, everything's gone. maybe it's pride. but maybe, it isn't really love.

so maybe that's just it.

maybe i should just date a girl.

and get married.

unless you come along and bring me out of misery. so im counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen.

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The truth runs wild
Like a tear down a cheek
Trying to save face, and daddy heart break
I'm lying through my teeth

This voice inside
Has been eating at me
Trying to replace the love that I fake
With what we both need

The truth runs wild
Like kids on concrete
Trying to sedate, my mind in its cage
And numb what I see

Awake, wide eyed
I'm screaming at me
Trying to keep faith and picture his face
Staring up at me

Without losing a piece of me
How do I get to heaven?
Without changing a part of me
How do I get to heaven?
All my time is wasted
Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh
So if I'm losing a piece of me
Maybe I don't want heaven?