On the Loop-er

I saw Looper the other week. It was a very nice movie. Normally, I don't watch serious movies for fear of falling asleep but this one's really good.

Anyway, I then asked myself: if I were a looper, and i was given a lot of money and know that id die in 30 years, what would i do?

1. Liposuction and just get fit right away. I thought i wouldnt have time to rely on diet and exercise only.
2. Travel. Around the world. Or wherever. So at most, 5 years?
3. I could invest in a business but then where will I put all the money I have? Some charity I guess?
4. Get married and have a family: hmmm. if things were only different.

So ano pa?? Shit. This has how my life turned out. Given 30 years and money, I wouldnt know what to do with it.

I don't even have to work because I'm rich already. But then again, I love my work. It makes me feel like im useful. So yeah, it might get me busy.

Still, I have to rethink this. time to get a new goal. haha

What Now?

I was chatting with someone the other night and he was sharing all his dreams before he reached 25. and then he asked me, what do I want to achieve?

It got me into thinking. And i answered, "I already have." Then he replied, "Good for you."

It got me further into thinking, is it really good for me?

So, all my life ive been wanting to be an "actor". So I went to "classes", "workshops", I studied, I trained. And when people ask me if I'm happy with what I'm doing, I'm more than proud to say YES. So what happens when suddenly.. Im now in "showbusiness", im an "actor", and a "best actor" at that?

I dreamed and reached for it. Now i have it. So what now?

What's next? I have no idea..

People say, do a "movie", or get another "best actor award", or do some workshops. And in the end, it doesnt compare to the goal i had of being an actor. Doing these additional things just brings flavor to what i have already become. And all of a sudden, Im found without purpose in life.

Get married? Tough. Have a family? Tougher. I just really don't know what to do anymore.

And finding a new hobby won't suffice. Im not looking for something to DO. Im looking for something to BE (aside from being an "actor").

So yeah, I'll be starting a new project soon. And it's bound to keep my busy and not have time to think about this. But when I imagine finishing the project, I'll come face to face again with "what now?"

The New Normal (/Church?)

So i was watching a new episode on The New Normal yesterday. And it kind of hit a nerve because they talked about religion and faith and being gay.

Being gay and being a Catholic is difficult. One becomes a "cafeteria Catholic", only believing those things which one likes, like picking food. And obviously, one doesn't pick the whole Catholic view on being a homosexual.

I dated someone before who, after accepting that he is gay, started to not go to Church. He felt like a hypocrite and he began to detest priests once they started preaching about homosexuality. He still believes in God though and what it means to be good.

So as a Catholic, why do I want to be in something that clearly, doesnt want people like me? And the show answered it like this: the church can change. haha im not so sure if it's right but i kind of gives people like us hope.. to continue believing.. to continue being faithful.

And Andrew Rannells' character said that if Jesus were alive, he wouldve embraced the gays just as he did with other sinners, oppressed, sick, and even prostitutes.

Now I still dont know where i stand about this. And how i can fit being gay with being Catholic. I know I still go to Church. I know i still pray. I know I still and will forever believe in God. and i know im still gay. so bahala na.

or I could just turn it off..



When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,
Don't feel those feelings! Hold them in instead

Turn it off, like a light switch
just go click!
It's a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When your feeling certain feels that just don't feel right
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
and turn em off,



Turn if off, like a light switch,
there its gone! (Good for you!)
My hetero side just won!
I'm all better now,
Boys should be with girls thats heavenly fathers plan
So if you ever feel you rather be with a man,
Turn it off.

ELDER PRICE: 
Well Elder McKinley, I think its ok that your having gay thoughts,
just so long as you never act on them.

ELDER MCKINLEY:
No, because then your just keeping it down,
Like a dimmer switch on low, (On low!)
Thinking nobody needs to know! (Uh oh!)

ELDER PRICE:
But that's not true!

ELDER MCKINLEY: 
Being gay is bad, but lying is worse,
So just realize you have a curable curse,
And turn it off!  (Turn it off, turn it off!)

The Great Cock Hunt

Less than two weeks before my new project starts. So here I am, still blogging away.

Just recently I chanced upon a web show "Hunting Season". It's supposed to be about this blog named "The Great Cock Hunt" which ran from 2005 - 2008. The blog's about a young gay man living in NYC writing about his exploits in the city. The blog has been transformed into a book and now into 10-minute web episodes.

On his blog, his first entry went like this:

For a while my friends have been telling me that I should blog all the crazy shit I do. Maybe it's because they're sick of listening to it. I'm not all that special: just your average, horny, gay guy out on the town most nights looking for hookups. I guess sometimes I get a little wild... sex clubs, escorting, orgies, "massage" and the like but it's all good, all fun.

So I watched the entire season. Gay sex + NYC.. what could be more amazing?? oh. a few (actually a lot) butt exposures, full frontals, and simulated sex.. lots of hot guys. The simulated sex is sometimes hotter than actual porn. And Ben Baur. haha on his scenes, he actually looks a lot smaller than the guys he goes out with but hey, i find him hot.

It actually reminds me of Queer As Folk. But this seems a little bit more real. No sappy melo-dramatic moments about babies or gay rights or lesbian relationships. And the 10 minutes is packed. No boring scenes, but not rushed either.

Then one guy's pinoy. And he kinda looks like one guy i had something with at the NYJacks party.

And because of Ben Baur. He tweeted me back.

And the last episode was like that of NYJacks.

And the last scene (pictured above) was hot. And hotter, if you knew the story (not just 3 random guys kissing)

I... Complete Me

So i was talking with someone the other night and he goes:

"looking for a person that will love and take care of me. Para may katuwang na ko sa buhay. I'm a lonely guy"

And i was thinking, dude, you need to fix yourself first. If you need another person to make you happy then I guess you shouldn't be looking for a relationship. You'll become needy and over dependent. You'll want to be always by his side, and you'll be so paranoid when he's not around. You'll be clingy. You'll be stupid. Masasakal mo na sya in the process. and then, you'll be more alone.

After telling him, SHIT. I sounded so angry and tactless.

Well I guess I meant every word I said. Before, I had no idea when they said "Love yourself first before you love someone". And then I realized that it is very true.

I'm happy when I'm alone. Or I don't feel as self-conscious as those people who say "I cannot eat alone in public" or that "I can't watch a movie alone. It's so lonely". Well, I've tried both. Ate alone. Watched a movie alone. And it's not bad at all. You'll get the occasional stares from people but hey, what have you got to lose really? It's not like they know you. And what if they think youre a lonely, sad person? Would you even bother explaining yourself? Will it affect you? Damn right, it won't.

Life is about moments. And I try to live through each moment as they come by. And some of those moments happen when I'm alone. So I just take it all in, feel the experience, enjoy the emotions that come with that experience.

I once ate a slice of my favorite cheesecake while sitting on a bench at Times Square. This is the life. I felt each bite. I felt the cold wind brushing through my face. I see all the lights. I see all the people walking around, taking pictures. I can hear the bustle on the streets. I'm having the time of my life. Doing nothing. Thinking about nothing. Worrying about nothing. Just here.

They say it's better when you're with someone. I agree. But being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. It's up to you.




I will not waste my days 
Making up all kinds of ways 
To worry about some things 
That will not happen to me 

So I just let go of what I know I don't know 
And I know I'll only do this by 
Living in the moment 
Living our life 
Easy and breezy 
With peace in my mind 
With peace in my heart 
Peace in my soul 
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home 
Living in the moment