What Now?

I was chatting with someone the other night and he was sharing all his dreams before he reached 25. and then he asked me, what do I want to achieve?

It got me into thinking. And i answered, "I already have." Then he replied, "Good for you."

It got me further into thinking, is it really good for me?

So, all my life ive been wanting to be an "actor". So I went to "classes", "workshops", I studied, I trained. And when people ask me if I'm happy with what I'm doing, I'm more than proud to say YES. So what happens when suddenly.. Im now in "showbusiness", im an "actor", and a "best actor" at that?

I dreamed and reached for it. Now i have it. So what now?

What's next? I have no idea..

People say, do a "movie", or get another "best actor award", or do some workshops. And in the end, it doesnt compare to the goal i had of being an actor. Doing these additional things just brings flavor to what i have already become. And all of a sudden, Im found without purpose in life.

Get married? Tough. Have a family? Tougher. I just really don't know what to do anymore.

And finding a new hobby won't suffice. Im not looking for something to DO. Im looking for something to BE (aside from being an "actor").

So yeah, I'll be starting a new project soon. And it's bound to keep my busy and not have time to think about this. But when I imagine finishing the project, I'll come face to face again with "what now?"

The New Normal (/Church?)

So i was watching a new episode on The New Normal yesterday. And it kind of hit a nerve because they talked about religion and faith and being gay.

Being gay and being a Catholic is difficult. One becomes a "cafeteria Catholic", only believing those things which one likes, like picking food. And obviously, one doesn't pick the whole Catholic view on being a homosexual.

I dated someone before who, after accepting that he is gay, started to not go to Church. He felt like a hypocrite and he began to detest priests once they started preaching about homosexuality. He still believes in God though and what it means to be good.

So as a Catholic, why do I want to be in something that clearly, doesnt want people like me? And the show answered it like this: the church can change. haha im not so sure if it's right but i kind of gives people like us hope.. to continue believing.. to continue being faithful.

And Andrew Rannells' character said that if Jesus were alive, he wouldve embraced the gays just as he did with other sinners, oppressed, sick, and even prostitutes.

Now I still dont know where i stand about this. And how i can fit being gay with being Catholic. I know I still go to Church. I know i still pray. I know I still and will forever believe in God. and i know im still gay. so bahala na.

or I could just turn it off..



When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,
Don't feel those feelings! Hold them in instead

Turn it off, like a light switch
just go click!
It's a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When your feeling certain feels that just don't feel right
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
and turn em off,



Turn if off, like a light switch,
there its gone! (Good for you!)
My hetero side just won!
I'm all better now,
Boys should be with girls thats heavenly fathers plan
So if you ever feel you rather be with a man,
Turn it off.

ELDER PRICE: 
Well Elder McKinley, I think its ok that your having gay thoughts,
just so long as you never act on them.

ELDER MCKINLEY:
No, because then your just keeping it down,
Like a dimmer switch on low, (On low!)
Thinking nobody needs to know! (Uh oh!)

ELDER PRICE:
But that's not true!

ELDER MCKINLEY: 
Being gay is bad, but lying is worse,
So just realize you have a curable curse,
And turn it off!  (Turn it off, turn it off!)

The Great Cock Hunt

Less than two weeks before my new project starts. So here I am, still blogging away.

Just recently I chanced upon a web show "Hunting Season". It's supposed to be about this blog named "The Great Cock Hunt" which ran from 2005 - 2008. The blog's about a young gay man living in NYC writing about his exploits in the city. The blog has been transformed into a book and now into 10-minute web episodes.

On his blog, his first entry went like this:

For a while my friends have been telling me that I should blog all the crazy shit I do. Maybe it's because they're sick of listening to it. I'm not all that special: just your average, horny, gay guy out on the town most nights looking for hookups. I guess sometimes I get a little wild... sex clubs, escorting, orgies, "massage" and the like but it's all good, all fun.

So I watched the entire season. Gay sex + NYC.. what could be more amazing?? oh. a few (actually a lot) butt exposures, full frontals, and simulated sex.. lots of hot guys. The simulated sex is sometimes hotter than actual porn. And Ben Baur. haha on his scenes, he actually looks a lot smaller than the guys he goes out with but hey, i find him hot.

It actually reminds me of Queer As Folk. But this seems a little bit more real. No sappy melo-dramatic moments about babies or gay rights or lesbian relationships. And the 10 minutes is packed. No boring scenes, but not rushed either.

Then one guy's pinoy. And he kinda looks like one guy i had something with at the NYJacks party.

And because of Ben Baur. He tweeted me back.

And the last episode was like that of NYJacks.

And the last scene (pictured above) was hot. And hotter, if you knew the story (not just 3 random guys kissing)

I... Complete Me

So i was talking with someone the other night and he goes:

"looking for a person that will love and take care of me. Para may katuwang na ko sa buhay. I'm a lonely guy"

And i was thinking, dude, you need to fix yourself first. If you need another person to make you happy then I guess you shouldn't be looking for a relationship. You'll become needy and over dependent. You'll want to be always by his side, and you'll be so paranoid when he's not around. You'll be clingy. You'll be stupid. Masasakal mo na sya in the process. and then, you'll be more alone.

After telling him, SHIT. I sounded so angry and tactless.

Well I guess I meant every word I said. Before, I had no idea when they said "Love yourself first before you love someone". And then I realized that it is very true.

I'm happy when I'm alone. Or I don't feel as self-conscious as those people who say "I cannot eat alone in public" or that "I can't watch a movie alone. It's so lonely". Well, I've tried both. Ate alone. Watched a movie alone. And it's not bad at all. You'll get the occasional stares from people but hey, what have you got to lose really? It's not like they know you. And what if they think youre a lonely, sad person? Would you even bother explaining yourself? Will it affect you? Damn right, it won't.

Life is about moments. And I try to live through each moment as they come by. And some of those moments happen when I'm alone. So I just take it all in, feel the experience, enjoy the emotions that come with that experience.

I once ate a slice of my favorite cheesecake while sitting on a bench at Times Square. This is the life. I felt each bite. I felt the cold wind brushing through my face. I see all the lights. I see all the people walking around, taking pictures. I can hear the bustle on the streets. I'm having the time of my life. Doing nothing. Thinking about nothing. Worrying about nothing. Just here.

They say it's better when you're with someone. I agree. But being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. It's up to you.




I will not waste my days 
Making up all kinds of ways 
To worry about some things 
That will not happen to me 

So I just let go of what I know I don't know 
And I know I'll only do this by 
Living in the moment 
Living our life 
Easy and breezy 
With peace in my mind 
With peace in my heart 
Peace in my soul 
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home 
Living in the moment 

Boyfriend.. NOT Bestfriend

No projects as of late, hence more time blogging. My next big project comes up next month pa, and script's not arriving until maybe next week. So, Ive been thinking a lot lately and decided to put my thoughts into writing

One of the reasons why my last love team did not last (although it lasted for so long) was maybe because he was just my boyfriend, and not my bestfriend. With him, i'd only concern myself with romantic things, couple-related things, etc. Every trip outside the bedroom was a date, never a gimik. Even if we went out with friends, it's a group date. Or it's us dating, with some friends tagging along.

And it was difficult/unfamiliar to me to share unromantic things with him, like laughing at my co-stars from the show i was doing. i couldnt tease or make fun of him. every text has to be sweet, and every conversation must end with an "i love you" or something to that effect.

i didnt mind at first. hey, i had a boyfriend, why would i need a best friend? boyfriends weigh heavier than best friends, right? took me so long to realize i was wrong.

a boyfriend will always be ON your side. a boyfriend will agree with everything you do or stand up for. because if not, edi break na lang kayo. like what's the point of sticking together if you disagree a lot. but a bestfriend will always be BY your side. he may not agree with you, he will point out that what you did was stupid, but he will still be BY your side.

i guess you'll be pretty lucky if you get to find a BF and a BF in one. i think eto yung sinasabing "parang barkada lang" but someone you truly truly love, and a great fuck too.

International Explosion

NY JACKS:

It is a fantasy world come to life;  An admittance into a world where social norms are abandoned  for a couple of hours and men can be naked together.  Masturbation without guilt, without fear or paranoia.Mutual masturbation between consenting adults is legal AND safe. Probably the safest sexual activity you can do except for solo J/O.

Yes, i went to my first ever jacking off party in NYC. I stumbled upon this group when i was planning my trip to new york. And it was the highlight of the gay/dirty side of my trip.

So one Sunday afternoon, i went to a place over at midtown Manhattan which was emailed to me. The place was rather subtle. No signs outside, nothing to let anyone know what was going on inside. So i went to address (thanks to Google maps), went inside the unit, up three flights of stairs and knocked on the door. A tall black guy opened the door and didn't say a word. He just pointed to a line over a counter.

There is also something liberating about being naked in a semi-public place. Since it’s a private club and completely legal we can feel comfortable in our skin and free to relate  without the protection of clothes.

While standing in line, men of various shapes and sizes and in various states of undress were walking past me. Some were getting naked, some dressing up. So i paid, and was given a hanger and a numbered bracelet for my clothes. Since everyone was naked, i did the same (except for shoes, we were required to wear shoes and it was where i placed my phone and money and metro card). Then I walked in.

So there was the "lobby", then a large "welcome room" with sofas on the side and porn playing, connecting to bathroom and a wash area, and then an equally large "bedroom" where beds, sofas, etc were on the sides and where all the action was happening.

You’ll see guys there of all ages, body types, sizes, etc. There will be tall, short, hairy, well endowed, young, older, all races, gay, married, bi-, etc. We don’t discriminate against physical attributes, only inappropriate behavior.

It was my first time to be in a room with that many naked guys, all jacking off. And it was true, you get all ages (young [min age is 21] to lolo-type old), body types (lanky, slim, lean, muscular, big boned, chubby but no  one really obese), height, race (although there were less than 5 Asians from what i remember), and a variety of dicks (more on that later). I assumed everyone was gay or bi. Haha

Some like to play with themselves and just watch.  Others like circle jerks.  Some prefer to pair up as couples.  

Upon entering, i saw a few people jacking off to the porn vid playing. Some were doing it alone, some jacking another guy. I then went over to the "bedroom". Saw this muscular asian guy, around 30s (who ill now call Jin) in the middle of a group thing. He was just standing, head tilted slightly upwards, eyes closed, probably in pure ecstasy. He was getting jacked off by one guy and two other guys were playing with his nipples (one for each). And i thought to myself, "lucky guy" and "i gotta have you later because these 3 are uglies" hahaha

No one should be put into a situation that they do not want. There is a total absence of attitude at all our functions and everyone is generally very friendly. If you don’t want to play with someone who has approached you, just say a polite, “No thanks.” and walk away. If they persist, move their hand away gently but firmly and walk away. Most guys are very polite and will know when to leave you alone. 

True. And unlike some spas/saunas/wet floor here in the Philippines where some guys just dont know what NO means. Some guys held my dick, tweaked my nipples, etc but a simple touch of their wrist and they respectfully move away. And no hard feelings. Theyll still smile at you and give way when youre passing by. Talk about politeness and respect.

Mutual stroking is the major action with some nipple sucking and/or kissing if you want. We discourage ass play, more for health reasons than any other. “no insertion of anyone’s anything into anywhere, no ass play, no sucking, no fucking”. If you are caught breaking any of these rules you will be escorted out of the club.

yeah, only jacking off and nipple play. some kissing and necking. might be boring for some but i actually found it quite "assuring". I won't get HIV. I wont have to suck dick (haha sorry, i really dont find it satisfying if im the one doing the sucking). and lastly, i wont get fucked (i have this fear of getting raped by foreigners with large dicks).

So when i entered, more guys jacking off. Some solo, some in pairs, some in 3s, some in groups. I saw a group, a bunch of latino guys i think. they were doing a circle jerk in their own world. all were burly, hairy, those you typically see in BDSM porn. Anyway, they werent my type so i moved along to another group.

And there i saw a white guy (lets call him Bryan), early 20s, short hair, nice face, well toned lean body (with abs). And just like Jin, in pure ecstasy. but a lot of guys were around him. One on each nipple, a couple on his dick, his hand were on 2 different dicks, someone on his balls, someone holding his ass, and a lot of guys watching. Mabenta in short. He could pass off as a porn star. And I couldnt resist him too. Somewhere, somehow, i held his dick, tweaked his nipples, and touched his abs.

(now inventing names so i dont have to say guy A, guy B, etc...)

Those around him began to fool around with each other while watching this "live porn" with Brian. So while watching, met this Harry (looks Thai, with long hair tied up nicely, lanky body, regular dick) and we jacked off. He had this old guy holding on to him all throughout (figured his boyfriend? or "daddy" haha). I think i was about to make him cum and he wanted to hold out.

Then someone reached out for mine (Peter). I looked and he was white, tall, slim, kinda effeminate. medyo cute na din, passable. mutual JO while watching Brian then he wanted to get close to Brian so he left.

Saw Justin, tall, could pass off as a model, surfer kind. Large dick. Since he was a looker, naturally, people flocked to him too. We jacked each other off for a while but i had to get out since there was just too much "competition".

Then saw Mike, looks like a regular American guy, kinda cute, body was regular, and a damn large dick. fuck. i didnt see it at first but when i held it, i couldnt even close my hand around it. fuck, the largest dick ive held. ever. tried to jack it off but it's just really huge

Brian came on someone. and a few people came too watching that. so the group dispersed. Walked around again. Someone new came in. Small young asian kid, really slim, kinda looked like someone i dated here. So us being two young asians gravitated towards each other. he was still wearing black boxer briefs. someone pulled it down. He held my dick, i held his. and shit. smallest one i held. ever. i think barely 2 inches? shit. kahit cute di kaya. So i moved a long

Another group was forming. Apparently, some black guy (who was well toned) was sitting down a group was jacking off around him. And he wanted them to cum on him. and they did. Justin and Mike were there came on the black guy. It was pretty hot, seeing this big black guy with a nice body covered with cum haha

Saw Jin again. i dont know if he came already. he smiled at me. i came to him. tried to jack off his dick. it was asian size, but not proportional to his big muscled body frame. hahaha After some time, he held my hand and wanted to move on. and fuck. he didnt want me. but it was weird, whenever we cross paths around the room, he would smile.

Saw small asian kid getting "molested" by fat old guys. Was laughing inside.

Brian came back and paired up with Peter. And they played like a couple. mutual jack off, faces close to each other, not allowing other hands to touch them. they then settled on one sofa, talking while jacking off. i guess theyll come out of this as a couple. and people got the clue, no one bothered them since. i just thought "hey at least i got to try each of them"

i wanted to finish already. and i found someone. we came in at the same time. middle eastern looking kind of guy. kind of ok looking. so we sat down. he was jacking me off and he was good at it. he was jacking himself off too. he wanted me to play with his balls, and i did. he raised his legs and wanted me to finger him. so i did.

then other guys came over to us. i was oblivious to this since i was so horny already. some were playing with me, some with him, some just watching. someone on my balls, someone on my butt, 2 guys on my nipples. middle eastern guy kissing my neck and shoulders sometimes.

When you cum, you can shoot on the floor, between your partners legs onto the floor, on your buddies thigh, etc. If your buddy want you to cum on them they will give you signals, otherwise, shoot on the floor. 

im ready to cum. i signalled to middle eastern guy. he wanted me to cum on him. so i stood up in front of him and started jacking off again. im near, i can hear the "oh yeahs" around me like they were the ones going to cum soon. haha so i just let them play with us but we were doing the jacking off ourselves. i came on him. he did soon after. still hearing the "oh yeah"s around us. hahaha he smiled at me. i did at him. then off we went to different wash areas

while i was washing myself, and drying, then washing again, then using the warm towels, etc. Jin went over my area. looks like he just came again. so i wasnt really talking paying much attention to him. but then he engaged me in small talk while we cleaned ourselves. and his last words were "you're very cute. really nice." with endearing pats on the back. kilig isnt a feeling i was expecting at this place. i was embarrassed. so i smiled, i think, then went back to the counter, got my clothes and left. i think he stayed for another round.

felt very good while walking around Manhattan afterwards. when i came out, the outside world had no idea what was happening in that room. the feeling of adventure, sex, and unexpected kilig mixed up together was really nice.

to cap the night, i treated myself to some conveyor belt sushi. nice. perfect.


ps. when i jack off here in manila, this is still what i think about. (TMI)

pps. i wrote this to remember this. knowing itll be a while before i can go back to new york. and who knows, baka wala ng NYJacks by then.

International Release

Recently went on a trip to NYC. First time to travel alone. And it was a blast. And since i was travelling all alone, figured id get to do whatever i wanted. So after a bit of research, i decided to go gay clubs. With the cloak of anonymity i have, i couldve danced naked and made out with a bunch of guys and wouldnt get recognized by anyone, nor would anyone tell my parents and friends and fans. 

First up was Adonis Lounge over at 58th street. "Get a lap dance, visit the champagne room or just soak up all the man candy at this twice-weekly gay stripfest. Popular gay porn stars—including Zeb Atlas, Jeremy Walker and Colin Steele—have all been known to take the stage." 

So with the thrill of going to gay club (+1), a strip club nonetheless (+1), with gay porn stars (+1) and without fear of recognition (+1000), i made my way one night. It was written on their facebook page that  the show starts 1 hr after it opens, so i went there around 2 hours after it did. so when i entered, woah, quiet.. just a few gay guys, some couples, and some with fag hags. loud canned music. kinda dark. and no one stripping nor dancing. so i took my seat at the bar, ordered a Jack Coke, and waited. BIG FAIL. paid my drink and left. BIG FAIL. decided to go to another bar. 

Next up, Splash Bar NYC over at 17th street. So i went in, paid the cover, and went around first. being my first time. and if youve seen queer as folk, the gay club scene is pretty similar. dark, smoky, loud music, lights, and go go boys. 

The picture above shows the bartenders. Yes, theyre muscular. And yes, they're in their underwear. Ok. Eye candy for the whole night. So ordered another Jack Coke and sat at the bar. watching the bar tenders, and watching the go go boys strut their stuff on stage with gay guys putting dollar bills on the skimpy clothing. And some of them were really wearing small underpants that you could almost make out their dicks! No kidding

So lots of goodlooking americans and latinos around. And you know who catches my eye? An Asian. hahaha So i came over to this guy (first time to approach someone). He knew. So we got into talking at another part of the bar. Learned his name was Paul, Thai, student from Columbia, post grad of some science course. So i dont know. I just suddenly found myself having a date. We talked about all sorts of things. We were close to each other and it came to a point his hand on my back and my arm on his shoulders. he would squeeze my nape and i would mess up his hair while talking. and our faces were close since the music was so loud.

And then we just kissed. It was kind of liberating. Kissing a guy in public. Definitely cant do that here in the Philippines. No no no. But it felt good. Our bodies close togeher, making out in the bar, and people just walking by minding their own business (after all, there are go go boys dancing and men walking around in their underwear). I came back for seconds and thirds. 

Too bad i had to say good bye. He wanted me to stay but it was pretty late and it takes me an hour to get home by subway from Manhattan. 

Still, no regrets.

Watch out for the next post. This was rather tame.