Waves

Sixteen weeks have come and gone. Sixteen weeks of missing home, family, friends, and my dog. Sixteen weeks of missing all those that i'm used to, all the food and drinks i enjoyed, and all the company i keep. Recently, attacks of home sick-ness have been slowly creeping during the silence of the night. When everything's quiet, when there is no more work to do, and when everyone back home is sleeping, I feel it so.

I keep regular contact with family and friends. But their virtual hugs and kisses just do not cut it anymore. I can't wait until I get home, honestly. There's this profound newfound respect that I now have towards OFWs and all those working abroad (either by choice or by circumstance).

And then there's him. I thought there was a break-through. That on one late night, I received a message asking if i'm still awake. because he wanted to talk. and after the usual how are you stuff, i found out what the call was about. he was having a major situation at work and the future. he needed someone to listen, maybe get ideas from, but basically just to talk and express all the negativity he has been feeling. I welcomed it, gladly. Happy that our conversations are not so limited. and we have these serious talks about life and career. so at 2 am, i was happy.

then the following day, zilch. nothing. nada. no message. i sent messages, no replies. so bam. this was the day i feared that may come. the first day i do not hear from him. I actually did not feel bad at all. like i saw it coming or maybe have prepared for it too much.

So the following day, i got the sorry message. and explained why he wasnt able to reply. and made kwento about his night, etc. But i dont know. From that day forward, the interest waned. I wasnt looking forward to his messages like before. I mean, I'd still reply. but the conversation continues the next day still.

Maybe he's drifting away. Maybe... I am drifting away. Wave after wave. I'm slowly drifting..

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My face above the water
And my feet can't touch the ground
Touch the ground, and it feels like
I can see the sands on the horizon
Every time you are not around

I'm slowly drifting away
Wave after wave, wave after wave
I'm slowly drifting
And it feels like I'm drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the wave

On Updates

A part of me wants to write about how happy and exciting my current lovelife is, or whatever there's to speak of. but who am i kidding. i know exactly what is happening. what it means is another story. and besides, i remind myself that i'm writing for me, and not fiction.

so here's where we're at. it has been a little over 12 weeks. and yep, we're still at it. no day has passed without an exchange of some sort. more often, itll be a string of messages late at night. but calls are there, almost an hour each. if it takes him too long to reply, there'd be a 'sorry.. <explanation>'. topics of conversation are usually updates on our daily lives (there's always kwento everyday), and helping me cope while im away. nothing sweet, nothing romantic. and no semblance of making bola anywhere. it's frank, it's honest, it's funny, and it's like you have very close FRIEND.

so i told someone about the current situation, and my frustrations too. (he's also working overseas, but on a more permanent tenure). and he says, 'honestly, im inggit'.. should he be?

so, it's been 12 weeks. i used to dread the day it would stop. when there's still no message or reply from him at night, i sometimes find myself thinking 'maybe this is the day'. ive come to accept it that it will come. perhaps, to avoid getting hurt when it does happen. 'preparing' myself for it. and then suddenly, there goes my phone. with a string of messages from him. and the happiness i feel seeing his name on my phone.

there are times when id think that he's just being a great friend. and that is all there is to it. again, because there's nothing romantic or sweet in our conversations. but a part of me also says that, nope.. someone who's just-a-friend will not bother sending you messages every single day. he would not say sorry when he replies late. and would not call you and talk for that long. and definitely, someone who's dating someone else will not do that. at least, not to you.

i guess, being regularly updated on what happens to him, and him knowing what is happening to me, is sweet. it is romantic. it's frank. it's honest. it's funny. and it's not sugar coating anything.. he knows the people ive met here, knows them by name, and knows my relationships with them. i know the people he works with, updates on his dog, and his family. i know when he's staying late at the office, when he's debating whether to be lazy or go to the gym, his plans for travel, even his expenses. we can be express our thoughts freely, which, if we said out loud to others, would be really bad.

so what i'm saying is.. i like the way things are going. i hope it goes on longer. and i hope it goes on for the next 9 months. and we'll continue when i get home. a lot can happen in 9 months, i know. he could meet someone. have sex with someone and find out he's a great guy too. or suddenly, just stop. but i'm actually not afraid of these things anymore. if they happen, then so be it. im really in no position to demand. but if this continues, then it means something great.

so why dont we just talk about it? and settle what we are to each other? personally, because i know i cannot ask him to do all these things since im far away. im in no position to do so. but if he does it on his own accord, then it really is something great.

i've said the words 'i love you' loosely in the past, and have received it loosely too. it has lost its meaning to me, as ive written before. my dates before would say it one night, then after a fight, it's as if we didnt know each other at all. during the 3 mos we 'dated' back home, and the 3 mos that i've been away, no 'i love you's' have been given. but maybe, this is what ive been asking for all along. peace of mind. regularity. consistency. no drama. no bola. no grand gestures.

and maybe, i'll realize in the coming 40 weeks, that it's frank. it's honest. it's simple. it's funny. it's sweet. and it's romantic. 

Random Musings While I Wait

I am writing now to get some things off my mind. Or rather, so that I don't forget that these things have happened. Or crossed my mind. Or for safekeeping, if you must.

So... lawyer friend and I have been messaging everyday, and talking once or twice a week. Until now. So that makes it 6 weeks, without fail. And i should be grateful for that, right? Having some semblance of a 'lovelife' to speak of. It's what I'm trying to look for, basically. consistency, regularity, intellect, continued interest, and the feeling of always looking forward to the next message he sends. Am I 'settling' because I have nothing else? I'm not ready to answer that question at this time.

And then it was Vday. We were messaging. and syempre, nothing sweet or emo. and then he disappeared for a few hours. Again, nothing unusual. and then said 'Sorry. I was watching Call Me By Your Name". And then.. boom. That must be a date. who will watch that movie on Vday and not be on a date?

Then I start rationalizing again. Maybe to dispel thoughts that I know would make me sad. Rationalizing that hey.. he's allowed to date. we never really talked. and it's unfair actually if he 'sacrifices' with not having dates or sex while i'm away.. so i tried to reply. nonchalantly. 'Oh. How apt for a Vday movie date." then he says "date ka dyan. saw it on the TV." for some reason, that made me happy.. because i still live in that bubble where I assume there's no one else.

before the night ended, we talked. for almost an hour. and that made me happier. maybe this could work after all?

and the cynic comes out again and says you're just making yourself vulnerable again. which is absolutely true. so im back to.. wait and see where it goes. still hoping that it's towards something happy. 

In Exile

I begin this new year with everything new. Because of work, I am in a different country, set to live out my entire 2018 in this new place. Where there is a lot of new culture to embrace, new language to learn (or at least try to), and new food to stomach (again, at least try to). I know that one year is a short time. But a lot can happen, or not happen, in one year.

My career, although heading in the right direction, has lost its velocity. This move hopes to increase my market, allowing me to earn exponentially more once I finish this task. More importantly, there's professional satisfaction. But enough about that. I've talked to countless people regarding career moves.

This blog, as you know, is for my personal (including sexual) thoughts. It was 'easier' for me to move because I, technically, am not leaving someone behind. No SOMEONE. Been single for more than two years now. Tried dating. Each one failing. No one sustaining my interest (or the other way around). Tried re-dating guys from my past. Again each one making me realize why they did not work in the first place.

All these could be my fault. I keep asking myself if it is. And the conclusion I've arrived at is... YES. My standards are higher than before. and I keep on telling myself not to put them down. Then I realized maybe they're not standards. maybe they are walls... walls to keep me from getting hurt again I guess. or making myself vulnerable.

Before leaving, I had the chance to meet someone. Lawyer. yet again. So intellectually and professionally, we're at par. We would fleetingly message each other every night. And maybe talk on the phone every 2-3 nights until we both fall asleep. Talks would last hours and not notice it. But there were days that pass without us texting. Either i fall asleep before he can reply, or the other way around.

We saw each other once a week. twice if we're lucky. alternating between him going to my place, or me going to his. Usually just talk. then sex. then talk some more. meetings would last maybe about 4 hours since we usually meet at night after work. Sexually, compatible. not great, but satisfying. so it wasn't a problem.

And i think i saw a problem. he was not sweet/romantic. No good morning. No urging to eat lunch. No sweet nothings on the phone. I thought it was a problem because i was looking and yearning for it. then I realize that I'm him, a couple of years ago. So.. I thought it was okay.

Before I left, we went on 'dates'. Watched a movie. Ate out a couple of times. and a few times just hung out. watched a movie on the sofa, cuddled, etc without things ending with sex.

Things went on like this. and we both didn't notice it was already 3 months we were 'dating'?. I'm not even sure we were. Or it was just friends hanging out, having sex, and talking. He had a Christmas gift for me. And I had one for him too. My gut says not to think about it and just let it run its course. So I did. Until this big career move happened.

So it has been three weeks since I left. And now we still message each other everyday like old times. I get to call him once or twice a week. He knows my frustrations while I'm here, and the simple joys I discover here too. Once, I thanked him for helping me get through this. And more than once, he told me to just hang on.

I still don't know what we are. Or what I should expect. Maybe he meets and dates someone? And I may not ever know. Or in the event he tells me, it should be okay, right? But I don't think it will be. But he has every reason to do so. I mean, what's keeping him from doing so? Me? I don't think so.

So I guess I'm letting this run its course again. And see if our nightly messaging last a month? two? six? or a year? And it's not like I'm closing my doors to dating others too. There's just really no one here. Haha. So... wait and see? and focus on my career?

The Thrill of It All

So Sam Smith released a new album while I was away. And the feels I got from it is rather, interesting. It makes you feel heartbroken.. all over again. Even if you do not have a love life to speak of at the moment.

As cliche as it is, and everyone seems to be just jumping on the bandwagon, Too Good At Goodbyes really resonates. Ive been pushing people away for three years now. And everytime I do it, the less that I cry and the quicker the tears dry.

As I was talking to someone recently, I have come to the realization that the words "I Love You" has lost its meaning, and its weight, to me. People have been saying it so loosely, that Ive managed to say it back loosely as well. Love, in the truest sense of the word, is something one fights for. You fight to stay together amidst all. Pride down. Complete trust in the other. But, sadly, no one, at least for the last few years, has meant it. And neither have I, I guess.

So it'll take a lot more for me to invest on someone. Invest time, and feelings, and all that sort. And IF, and that's a big IF, someone is able to shatter all these walls that I've built, then I guess he's worth letting in. But otherwise, me talking to different people, is just for the thrill of it all.



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I know you're thinkin' I'm heartless
I know you're thinkin' I'm cold
I'm just protectin' my innocence
I'm just protectin' my soul

I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I'm never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

And every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

Big Apple Slut

I meant to write sooner but a major development in my career has gone and things are looking up. But this post is not about that. Nor anything emotional like my previous posts. This is going to be purely for libog's sake. Just so that I remember this day since the memory is slipping away. This was from one of my travels before.


I had a day in new york. A day. Just one day to do all my shopping for pasalubong since I'm going home the following day. But I just can't stop wondering if I'll be able to get some action before I leave. And a-c-t-i-o-n was what I got.

So it's a Sunday... and Sunday's in New York means i can do NYJ (see post on International Explosion). Yes, by no means does it compare to the experiences others do. But i have my reasons. I digress. More on that later.

So I'm using this Grindr-like app. And then suddenly, this asian dude suddenly tells me his place is free for the next hour. Can't believe it. Tall, with awesome body (abs, arms, and defined chest. not too big, but perfectly toned. body's not too hard, either. so it was nice to touch, hug, lick and do all sorts of stuff). Mixed Thai-American.

I got to his place. He lived right at midtown. Lucky dude. Damn cute. Hot. So with all my layers of jacket, backpack and shopping bags (hahaha i hope he forgives me, i was not prepared lol). But yeah. he started undressing me, as i undressed him. All i could say about his body was.. shit. Just the perfect kind I want. We kissed. He was really into me. Licking every part. EVERY PART. And yeah it was fun. Chatted for a bit while he got ready to go to the gym. As we went out of his condo, I leaned for a kiss. and we did. and then he said "You're in New York! We can kiss on the streets". I just laughed. So then we walked. Me towards 5th Ave to continue my pasalubong shopping, him towards the same direction. And after two blocks, he said he needed to catch a bus. So we hugged, and he kissed my right there on the street. Fuck. That was exciting.

Continued my shopping. And by around 530, headed to THE place. I wasnt expecting much now since im late (it starts at 4). And the action was full on. Groups and groups of people of all shapes and sizes and color. Some *new things I saw and got to play with during the "trip":
1. bukkake. imagine someone like Ben Bateman sitting or kneeling. with two guys playing with him on each side. him playing with several other more. wanting to receive every guy who cums in front of him. hot.
2. fit daddies. imagine Tomas Brand. the thing i like with this is that you can touch anyone. and it's up to them if they want to grope back or just let you be. and you can turn down people politely. unlike in bath houses.

then i saw MM. and he saw me. He looks like your typical surfer dude, in his late 20s or early 30s. my height. great hair. and damn those abs. so i smiled. he smiled back. we got closer. and kissed. kissed like theres no tomorrow. kissed like lovers. long time lovers.

and so i felt him up. he felt me up. we broke the kiss. but our noses and foreheads still stuck together. smiling. "you're cute". "you are too". smiled again. so when i reached down. fuck. f - u - c - k. FUCK. tang ina. this must be the largest, longest, thickest dick ive ever played with. my fingers dont reach as i grab it. two hands arent enough for its length. and damn was it smooth. fuck. i could not stop touching. and stroking. and being amazed. and unlike other big dicks, it was hard.

i wasnt even thinking what he must be thinking playing with mine. hahaha. i was enjoying too much to care. but he's still smiling. and kissing me. and playing with mine.

played with his balls. secretly played with his hole (it's not allowed in this environment). and our faces couldnt be separated. he pulled me to a corner so that we can be left alone. it was a mix of libog and kilig. people would try to join us. we would politely decline. or make sure our bodies are close together. or our arms around each other so no one can join.

whenever we transferred places, either to get lube or to go away from persistent parties, he'd hold my hand. leading me to wherever. i did the same. only to play again. sometimes, if a hot one comes along, we'd let them play with us. so there were three-way kisses. and maybe fourways. but he wouldnt let go of my dick. always. and i wouldnt let go of his body.

others would cum while playing with us. we'd go to the sink to wash it off. damn. this was hot. so finally he wants me to cum. i asked where. he told me to cum on his abs. fuck. we washed together again. then he tells me he wants it slow. and he wants to cum on my body too. we washed again. laughing. smiling. kissing.

then it was time for us to bid goodbyes. we both got dressed. we walked. and talked.. about Manila, and broadway, and lotteries, etc. was wholesome. his name was Mike. We walked maybe 4 blocks. he walked me to my hotel (fuck having a room mate!!). i walked him to the Penn Station. he gave me his whatsapp. hugged and kissed on the street (thats twice today huh). but this was one hell of a hot time. and no sucking nor fucking was even involved. what more?!

so i went home. took a bath. had dinner with my roommate. pretended that nothing interesting happened during the day. but my after-sex glow must be showing. lol.

Counting to Fifteen

Being in the closet is hard af. And don't we all know that. Oftentimes, we are forced to hide behind some form of being 'normal' so that we can do the things we love. For example, why not go on a date with girl, so that I'll be able to hold someone's hand while walking, kiss someone on the shoulder while having coffee, watch date movies with someone, eat candle-lit dinners, attend weddings with, etc.

So to try being happy, i go out with guys. and how it has failed over and over again. and most of my blog posts are about that. and it's usually my way of coping that's why i write. the last relationship i had fucked me up big time. i havent been single for this long. and i dont know if ill be able to find another one.. who can sweep me off my feet.. and not settle only so that i just have someone around.

so i begin to date. no expectations. see where it goes. but i cant seem to find myself giving my best to maintain the relationship. i don't necessarily do things to fuck things up, but with the first sign i see something bad, all hope is lost. im now afraid to compromise, to exert much effort, to make a fool out of myself again... just to waste it on heartbreak after a while.

and one thing ive also noticed is that i say the word 'i love you' quite loosely nowadays. maybe i say it because the other says it. or to make them feel good. but it has lost all its meaning to me now. i still cant believe that you can say 'i love you' and then one fight, everything's gone. maybe it's pride. but maybe, it isn't really love.

so maybe that's just it.

maybe i should just date a girl.

and get married.

unless you come along and bring me out of misery. so im counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen.

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The truth runs wild
Like a tear down a cheek
Trying to save face, and daddy heart break
I'm lying through my teeth

This voice inside
Has been eating at me
Trying to replace the love that I fake
With what we both need

The truth runs wild
Like kids on concrete
Trying to sedate, my mind in its cage
And numb what I see

Awake, wide eyed
I'm screaming at me
Trying to keep faith and picture his face
Staring up at me

Without losing a piece of me
How do I get to heaven?
Without changing a part of me
How do I get to heaven?
All my time is wasted
Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh
So if I'm losing a piece of me
Maybe I don't want heaven?

Looking for My Zero.. or my Jude

I've been binge - watching this series called "Hit The Floor" during the holidays. It's basically a show about basketball, and cheerdancers, and all in between. There are more sex scenes than what you see in Grey's Anatomy. It's their way of saying 'i love you', 'i miss you', ' i care for you' or even just 'hey'. haha im not complaining though, the bodies on display are a treat. and the lies, alliances, and back stabbing would rival that of "Scandal" and any typical pinoy soap, without being overly dramatic (which i like, to be honest). keeps the story moving fast.


and.. to top it all off. there's a gay couple. which i became instantly a fan of. and how their story started, and developed, and how they became strong. what was nice was that they werent introduced as 'gay characters'. it just sort of happened. Zero (haha my next dog is going to be named Zero) - the good looking jock, and Jude - the boy-next-door agent. Jude always had Zero's back, as his agent. but i was quite surprised it came to that extent. to my delight, of course. Zero, was initially holding back (being in the closet), but had a what-the-fuck moment and kissed Jude in front of the cameras.

I can't help it but feel like i wish i had my own Zero. Having the cool guy attitude towards all of it, someone to tone down all the drama this world has, and make me feel safe with everything. And with that face and body to boot, seems awesome! Then i realize, im Zero. Im the one who cant go all out, and the one who wants to keep it hush hush. Im the one who wants to remain hidden, selfish enough for making my exes do it, and the one who has a who-gives-a-fuck attitude when it comes to relationships. Maybe i need a Jude and someone to push me whenever i need pushing. or even when i dont think i need to be pushed.

and then they have these lines... that in a weird way, seems sappy and sweet. haha

hay. one can only dream. and then make one's own story.

Spring Cleaning

So it's nearly the end of the year, and a big project that ive been doing for the past few years is coming to close. it is comforting that this chapter of my life is done, and i know that i did it well. but it's also scary.. with all the ups and downs my love life (or the lack of it..) has given me, this project is what sort of got me through. even during the times i was hurting, or sad and lonely, i knew that work was something i could depend on. and it will get me occupied throughout the day, being able to avoid hurting. but it is ending soon.

i took a break from work recently. and have started cleaning my place. throwing a lot of things i wont be needing anymore because of my project will be done in a few days. and ive been thinking, should i start cleaning up my life too? starting maybe with my phone and social media accounts. just get things out of the way. and hopefully, start anew.

ive tried dating. but no one seems able to sweep me off my feet entirely. ive found someone good in bed, good in dating, good conversationalist, good to travel with, etc. but not all in the same person. ive tried giving each a chance, but for some reason, it's just not working.

maybe ive been treating my love life like i treat my work. because ive gotten to a certain position at work, i can demand for certain things that i want. and anything less just wont cut it. and ive treated dating the same way. i feel like ive earned the right to demand for things from the other person. and anything less just wont cut it.

but is it really like that? have i really earned it? maybe that's the reason why im single. and i might be for a long time.

An Open Letter for Someone from the Past

I am writing this because I don't know if ill be able to talk to you again. And I think I need this release of sorts. To get things off my chest… because frankly, theyre kind of getting heavy now. And it shouldn't be. And I shouldn't let it. 

I guess it’s pretty clear now that whatever we have is over. Whatever that is. But I think that at least you should have had the decency (?) or the balls (?) or even the respect to talk to me. Or to tell me that it is. For what, you may ask? I guess it says more a lot about you than it is about me. 

For someone to whom you say the words “i love you” and virtually kisses several times a day, dropping me like that seemed kind of easy for you. Either you did not mean those three words really in every sense of the word.. or youre just being a jerk and this is how you act. I guess when you say you love someone, you don't just drop them when there “a lot of things” on your plate. 

I don't know how troubled your past is or how someone has hurt you.. But your sense of self preservation is pretty strong. But then again, when they say that you love someone, you share a little bit of yourself with the other. And that's how exactly how I am now with you. Ive started to care for you.. started to let you into my life little by little.  So you know, it kind of sucks how im feeling right now. 

Ive always joked (half meaning it) that im not really so sure with you. That there’s this funny feeling that you’ll just break my heart in the end. And I was hopeful I would be proved wrong. But there. 

And again, I don’t know. It’s as if youre hiding behind your work. And that what I would’ve wanted to say is “you could’ve at least tried”. But then again, maybe because it’s not me that you really want. 

Youre intelligent, I gotta give you that. And maybe all the guys you've dated you could manipulate intellectually. And that maybe you met your match when you met me (as you've told me). As argumentative as you are (because of your profession), you've met someone who calls bull as bull. And maybe it as too much for you that im hard to manipulate?. I don't know. I never got the answer. Maybe it was too much for your ego too. Someone 8 years your junior, who’s just starting to make a name for himself, is treating you like an equal. And that could be some scary shit too I admit. 

And as intelligent as you are, your emotional intelligence sucks big time. You may know yourself a lot. But you know, loving someone is being empathic with the other. Now, you don't only get to think about yourself. You have now to think of the other and how the other feels. If you do, or don’t do, something. 

So actually, what this whole episode with you has done to me is to shut me up. And be mature (?) about things. It’s hardened my heart more, for sure. And that doesn't seem to be a bad thing after all. 

To JC, here’s a glass of chilled Shiraz for you

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Looking

I saw Looking (the movie) the other day. and what the fuckkkk?! I wasnt really a fan of the show.. but i managed to watch the entire series. seeing what would happen to them. oftentimes, id find myself falling asleep or skipping parts when there's a lot of talking... but i digress.

I saw the movie. which is the ending and closure it needed after the finale of the second season, and the announcement that it is not coming back. but i digress again.

The reason i am writing this now is how much the movie gave me the feels... spot on. how much i hated what patrick did to himself and to others... only to realize that ive been doing the same things in my life. somehow, ive managed to fuck up everyone ive started to care for and have feelings for. and in the end, in trying to do self preservation, i end up being... alone.

On seeing and talking to exes again. ive always wondered what it would be like to seen an ex again. or someone i dated that didnt work out. i think id always have feelings for them. but hope that things would be like that again. but... it really doesnt work that way does it. we will never be friends. no matter how much we meant to each other at that time, my work mate will be closer to me than him. from now on. fucking up a relationship really really destroys it all.

Which brings me to another point. it's funny how someone who just said "i love you" to you a few days ago is someone you cant stand now. i think people use those three words quite loosely nowadays. where it doesnt mean a lot anymore. well maybe, it really doesnt.

Patrick transferred to another city. to start anew. and honestly, ive thought about that. and what the movie says is that.. when you come back, everything you left behind will keep crawling back. and somehow, it still hurts. and honestly, it's as if you didnt go away at all.

Ive thought about maintaining contacts with my exes and the people i dated which didnt work out. on the one end, i shouldve just cut them off because what the hell for? on the other end, i shouldnt because as they say, "may pinagsamahan" naman. but im so lost. having them in my life just leaves me wanting.. wanting to get back with them? or wanting to meet someone who can be what they used to be in my life?

I've tried to date, yes. And somehow, i cannot give my entire self again to someone. Always have had the funny feeling that theyd just break my heart in the end. and theres that satisfaction when it doesnt work.

So yeah. I guess the point im trying to make here is to just stop. Stop looking for someone new. Stop looking back. Just stop. Stop looking.

Of Headaches and Heartaches

I've been meaning to write, honestly. It's just that there's nothing worth writing after the whole gauntlet of what ive been through about this time last year. Well, here's to nothing.

So at this time last year, I was pretty much in a quiet place. Broken up amicably with the ex, and then trying to date people. no stress.

At this time this year, I dont know how different it is. I'm still single, thats for sure. Tried to date a few people in between. Especially once i realized that i was ready. and i wasn't hurting anymore. it wouldn't be fair to the new person im dating i wasnt.

Then comes my "lessons" from the previous breakup. Now i think ive become more vigilant(?). it hurts, with the slightest sign of doubt from the other. i know it's not healthy. but i've been fooled. fooled several times. and i'm too afraid to be fooled by someone again.

Loving might mean taking chances. Taking a chance at happiness. But it also risks my heart getting broken, yet again. and im not so sure im ready for that. im most likely going to give up with the first sign of doubt that i see.

Maybe im not ready for another one. Maybe i keep on fooling myself that im ready but im still haunted by past relationships. Maybe this isnt really for me.

Sigh.

This is giving me a headache.

Silence

I prayed that i have peace of mind and peace of heart from all of these. and it has come. things have been quiet.

The issue has died down. The secondary issues coming from it has also died down. I could go on living, and not come into contact with any of the persons involved in that whole thing. 

It's helping having this peace and quiet. I get to be so productive. but sometimes, i wonder if somehow, i want to have some of the drama back. just so i have something else to do aside from work. then i realize how much i drank that time. and how miserable i was during the day. then i tell myself, nah. this is much better. 

so im steady. more and more each day. and i look forward to the day when im not just steady.. but excited once more. 

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loving can hurt... loving can hurt sometimes

but it's the only thing that i know

when it gets hard

you know it can get hard sometimes

it is the only thing that makes us feel alive

loving can heal... loving can mend your soul

and it's the only thing that i know

Aquaman

All I know is I wanna be here with you from now on....

The real life love is under the mirror of the surface

So cut my cord I want to know how deep we can take it

See the thing you've been chasing honey

You'll never find it wearin' a life vest

You gotta risk your neck, know in your heart it will be worth it

So here we go head first

No regrets and no rules

We can stay as long as we want

Slow dancing in the darkness

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

It's been my fashion to keep my head dry and get my feet wet

Step by step I've been letting you lead me towards the deep end

Well I learned my lesson, honey

Just when you think you're all adult swim

Is precisely when somebody shows you to the ocean

So here we go head first

And no regrets and no rules

We can stay as long as we want

Slow dancing in the darkness

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

Just keep holding on, holding on to me

Under, under the top of, the surface of the sea

Just keep holding on, holding on to me

Just keep holding on, holding on to me

Oh here we go head first

And no regrets and no rules

We can stay as long as we want

Slow dancing in the darkness

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

Head first into the water

And so it hits me

I guess we could breathe all along

One breath after another

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

Everything's Settling.. So I Write

Warning: this is going to be a lengthy post. I use this blog as some sort of catharsis, if you must. Releasing all I've been feeling, all I've been thinking. Just so that my mind (and heart) doesnt have all these emotions. And this is one place where I'm not afraid to get judged. not with my actions. or thoughts. or even grammar if you please.

I just passed through the most dramatic sequence in my lovelife. It was all crazy for the past week. I've been drinking. Drinking a lot. Blankly staring during the day. Driving endlessly through the night. Getting myself busy isn't helping, only makes me more sad during my down time. I was drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I thought i said good bye to the last one. And even then he's making it hard to do so. I was so angry with him, for making me feel stupid. Just because i love him. Even though i've said good bye, his constant 'i miss you's' reminds mo of everything that i let go. But the anger that i feel topples all of it. so all along i thought im good. there was no way i was going to want to get him back. there was no way that i'd reach out to him again. there was no way of trying for another time.

then i get the most surprising news. That ive been lied to, much more than he led me to believe. and i was fooled. for more than a year. he was that bad of a person, and good of a liar.

he got me angry again. i know i shouldnt be. because ive let go. but i was. and ive realized that im still hurting.

he got me so jaded now. with love. that i wouldnt be able to find someone who will not just hurt me in the end. ive sort of given up. im at a place where if something works, then so be it. but im not hopeful anymore. ive lost the drive, of truly finding someone, and be genuinely happy.

i met someone. who, in some twisted turn of events, is one of ex's others. and we discovered that we connect. in a lot of ways. in a lot more ways than ex did. we'll talk about ex. we'll both be sad remembering him because our dates were similar. but then we'd find ways to help each other get over this. we initially bonded like this, friends who supported one another. but this, definitely, complicates things.

i get excited when he messages. more than i should. more than a friend should. we'd message all day. i would be counting the hours up until his next reply (and i learned he did the same thing).

but we're both scarred. we're both damaged. we've both got baggage. and i dont know if i was trying to compensate for the lack of lovelife. or maybe he was trying to get over ex. or if we really do connect. but im scared. im afraid im putting myself out there again, only to be broken. im jaded. that nothing is going to ever work out.

i wish i met him before ex. i wish he met me before ex. then we'd be happy. but right now, all i want to do is take a step back. relax. and write.

today i prayed for us. and for ex. he told me he did too. i just prayed for happiness. peace of mind. peace of heart.

and now i think everything's settling down. emotions are dying down. and im ready to really move on.

Restart

Restart. didnt know that hearing the sam smith song everyday is some sort of a foreshadowing for us.

said good bye to an old one. that one had it coming. been hurt a lot by that one. been hurt by you more than all my exes combined. and youre not even an ex. and unlike every other relationship or pseudo-relationship ive had, with that one, i just gave up. both hands up in the air. told him i couldn't take it anymore. ive known and accepted defeat. 

sometimes i still miss you, you know. because you really are just so close to me. because i saw you almost everyday. because we spent a lot of time together. but it always comes back to me how much you hurt me. and how stupid i was to let you do it. and do it again.

i was driving a while ago and thought of texting you. just to say i miss you. because i really do. 

but i know it wont do me any good. i thought about getting you back just to break your heart like you did mine but i know it wont do me any good. thought about getting back to the person who caused us trouble, but i know it wont do me any good. 

so yeah. i hope you have a good life. i hope i have a good one too. 

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Don't say it was a good thing
Don't say it was the right thing to do
Don't say it was the best thing for the both of us
When I'm the one playing the fool

-----------

-- HA! totally caught you on this one. i couldve just let it pass. but i couldnt accept that youre breaking my heart and tell me it's for me. WTF.

one thing i hate the most is treating me stupid. and the hell with rationalizations. youre not fooling anyone but yourself. because any way you look at it, there is still a right and a wrong. the difference is, how much wrong we can take and make it appear right.

i made you choose. you wanted both. meaning i wasnt chosen. so i wanted out.

i hope that youll be honest from now on. honest to yourself mostly.


-----------

What do you want from me when I just wanna restart
You keep coming back for me when you're the one who tore us apart
And the truth is I'm better on my own
And I'm the one to leave it apart
So let me restart

Wallowing in Self Pity

I got a message last night why i stopped blogging. And then i answered because I was seeing someone who knows about the blog. And if i wanted to tell him something, id tell him straight. 

Last night i cried. and i havent cried for a long time. maybe it was the alcohol. maybe it was self pity. maybe it was acknowledgement of something about to end. i did not cry for just one particular person, but one stood out. i cried because everything just fails. 

i cried because i felt stupid. shame on you if you fool me once. shame on me if you fool me twice. tang ina ang tanga mo na talaga kung may pangatlo pa. but if you really care for someone, it doesnt matter if theres a fourth, fifth, or sixth. you keep coming back. 

i spent most part of the day trying to find ways.. to forgive, to trust, to make this work again. to lie to myself, to fool myself, that this can still work. ive resorted to wild and bizarre options. so that i wont have to leave, pride checked out and swept under a rug. 

but i guess ive had enough. i dont deserve to be treated the way you did. like someone you can get back to whenever you want. like someone who's always waiting on you. 

and not today of all days

so i cried. and i cried it all out. and cried how i allowed myself to be treated the way you did. and how everything i do in this secret life i have just fails. maybe its the alcohol again. 

so im writing this to you, because i know you read the blog, and i know you want to be on it. i wish it was some happy thing. but im too drunk to do so. 

MG. just find me when youre ready. and, I and this is what you really want. then when youve decided on that, win me over. make bawi, get my trust back, and show me how special i am to you. if that day doesnt come, then this is good bye..

Waste

Am i wasting my time?

Sometimes id like to exert effort. Sometimes id like to show i care. Sometimes i like to be less mechanical, less planned. And when i do that, it's like letting my heart out a little. I become vulnerable. 

But i get more depressed when i do so. I do something, of course i except something back. And the few times i do it, i dont get it. 

Sometimes I think i want to go back to my old self. Enjoy today. Enjoy the moment. Expect nothing. Exert no effort. So when something good comes along, effect doubles. And when nothing comes along, steady.

But this is me just being ranting. Half serious. Half rambling. 

Am i wasting my time?

------------

Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red?
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call and take it all
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time again, woah again