Silence

I prayed that i have peace of mind and peace of heart from all of these. and it has come. things have been quiet.

The issue has died down. The secondary issues coming from it has also died down. I could go on living, and not come into contact with any of the persons involved in that whole thing. 

It's helping having this peace and quiet. I get to be so productive. but sometimes, i wonder if somehow, i want to have some of the drama back. just so i have something else to do aside from work. then i realize how much i drank that time. and how miserable i was during the day. then i tell myself, nah. this is much better. 

so im steady. more and more each day. and i look forward to the day when im not just steady.. but excited once more. 

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loving can hurt... loving can hurt sometimes

but it's the only thing that i know

when it gets hard

you know it can get hard sometimes

it is the only thing that makes us feel alive

loving can heal... loving can mend your soul

and it's the only thing that i know

Aquaman

All I know is I wanna be here with you from now on....

The real life love is under the mirror of the surface

So cut my cord I want to know how deep we can take it

See the thing you've been chasing honey

You'll never find it wearin' a life vest

You gotta risk your neck, know in your heart it will be worth it

So here we go head first

No regrets and no rules

We can stay as long as we want

Slow dancing in the darkness

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

It's been my fashion to keep my head dry and get my feet wet

Step by step I've been letting you lead me towards the deep end

Well I learned my lesson, honey

Just when you think you're all adult swim

Is precisely when somebody shows you to the ocean

So here we go head first

And no regrets and no rules

We can stay as long as we want

Slow dancing in the darkness

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

Just keep holding on, holding on to me

Under, under the top of, the surface of the sea

Just keep holding on, holding on to me

Just keep holding on, holding on to me

Oh here we go head first

And no regrets and no rules

We can stay as long as we want

Slow dancing in the darkness

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

Head first into the water

And so it hits me

I guess we could breathe all along

One breath after another

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

And all I know is I wanna be here with you from now on

Everything's Settling.. So I Write

Warning: this is going to be a lengthy post. I use this blog as some sort of catharsis, if you must. Releasing all I've been feeling, all I've been thinking. Just so that my mind (and heart) doesnt have all these emotions. And this is one place where I'm not afraid to get judged. not with my actions. or thoughts. or even grammar if you please.

I just passed through the most dramatic sequence in my lovelife. It was all crazy for the past week. I've been drinking. Drinking a lot. Blankly staring during the day. Driving endlessly through the night. Getting myself busy isn't helping, only makes me more sad during my down time. I was drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I thought i said good bye to the last one. And even then he's making it hard to do so. I was so angry with him, for making me feel stupid. Just because i love him. Even though i've said good bye, his constant 'i miss you's' reminds mo of everything that i let go. But the anger that i feel topples all of it. so all along i thought im good. there was no way i was going to want to get him back. there was no way that i'd reach out to him again. there was no way of trying for another time.

then i get the most surprising news. That ive been lied to, much more than he led me to believe. and i was fooled. for more than a year. he was that bad of a person, and good of a liar.

he got me angry again. i know i shouldnt be. because ive let go. but i was. and ive realized that im still hurting.

he got me so jaded now. with love. that i wouldnt be able to find someone who will not just hurt me in the end. ive sort of given up. im at a place where if something works, then so be it. but im not hopeful anymore. ive lost the drive, of truly finding someone, and be genuinely happy.

i met someone. who, in some twisted turn of events, is one of ex's others. and we discovered that we connect. in a lot of ways. in a lot more ways than ex did. we'll talk about ex. we'll both be sad remembering him because our dates were similar. but then we'd find ways to help each other get over this. we initially bonded like this, friends who supported one another. but this, definitely, complicates things.

i get excited when he messages. more than i should. more than a friend should. we'd message all day. i would be counting the hours up until his next reply (and i learned he did the same thing).

but we're both scarred. we're both damaged. we've both got baggage. and i dont know if i was trying to compensate for the lack of lovelife. or maybe he was trying to get over ex. or if we really do connect. but im scared. im afraid im putting myself out there again, only to be broken. im jaded. that nothing is going to ever work out.

i wish i met him before ex. i wish he met me before ex. then we'd be happy. but right now, all i want to do is take a step back. relax. and write.

today i prayed for us. and for ex. he told me he did too. i just prayed for happiness. peace of mind. peace of heart.

and now i think everything's settling down. emotions are dying down. and im ready to really move on.

Restart

Restart. didnt know that hearing the sam smith song everyday is some sort of a foreshadowing for us.

said good bye to an old one. that one had it coming. been hurt a lot by that one. been hurt by you more than all my exes combined. and youre not even an ex. and unlike every other relationship or pseudo-relationship ive had, with that one, i just gave up. both hands up in the air. told him i couldn't take it anymore. ive known and accepted defeat. 

sometimes i still miss you, you know. because you really are just so close to me. because i saw you almost everyday. because we spent a lot of time together. but it always comes back to me how much you hurt me. and how stupid i was to let you do it. and do it again.

i was driving a while ago and thought of texting you. just to say i miss you. because i really do. 

but i know it wont do me any good. i thought about getting you back just to break your heart like you did mine but i know it wont do me any good. thought about getting back to the person who caused us trouble, but i know it wont do me any good. 

so yeah. i hope you have a good life. i hope i have a good one too. 

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Don't say it was a good thing
Don't say it was the right thing to do
Don't say it was the best thing for the both of us
When I'm the one playing the fool

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-- HA! totally caught you on this one. i couldve just let it pass. but i couldnt accept that youre breaking my heart and tell me it's for me. WTF.

one thing i hate the most is treating me stupid. and the hell with rationalizations. youre not fooling anyone but yourself. because any way you look at it, there is still a right and a wrong. the difference is, how much wrong we can take and make it appear right.

i made you choose. you wanted both. meaning i wasnt chosen. so i wanted out.

i hope that youll be honest from now on. honest to yourself mostly.


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What do you want from me when I just wanna restart
You keep coming back for me when you're the one who tore us apart
And the truth is I'm better on my own
And I'm the one to leave it apart
So let me restart

Wallowing in Self Pity

I got a message last night why i stopped blogging. And then i answered because I was seeing someone who knows about the blog. And if i wanted to tell him something, id tell him straight. 

Last night i cried. and i havent cried for a long time. maybe it was the alcohol. maybe it was self pity. maybe it was acknowledgement of something about to end. i did not cry for just one particular person, but one stood out. i cried because everything just fails. 

i cried because i felt stupid. shame on you if you fool me once. shame on me if you fool me twice. tang ina ang tanga mo na talaga kung may pangatlo pa. but if you really care for someone, it doesnt matter if theres a fourth, fifth, or sixth. you keep coming back. 

i spent most part of the day trying to find ways.. to forgive, to trust, to make this work again. to lie to myself, to fool myself, that this can still work. ive resorted to wild and bizarre options. so that i wont have to leave, pride checked out and swept under a rug. 

but i guess ive had enough. i dont deserve to be treated the way you did. like someone you can get back to whenever you want. like someone who's always waiting on you. 

and not today of all days

so i cried. and i cried it all out. and cried how i allowed myself to be treated the way you did. and how everything i do in this secret life i have just fails. maybe its the alcohol again. 

so im writing this to you, because i know you read the blog, and i know you want to be on it. i wish it was some happy thing. but im too drunk to do so. 

MG. just find me when youre ready. and, I and this is what you really want. then when youve decided on that, win me over. make bawi, get my trust back, and show me how special i am to you. if that day doesnt come, then this is good bye..

Waste

Am i wasting my time?

Sometimes id like to exert effort. Sometimes id like to show i care. Sometimes i like to be less mechanical, less planned. And when i do that, it's like letting my heart out a little. I become vulnerable. 

But i get more depressed when i do so. I do something, of course i except something back. And the few times i do it, i dont get it. 

Sometimes I think i want to go back to my old self. Enjoy today. Enjoy the moment. Expect nothing. Exert no effort. So when something good comes along, effect doubles. And when nothing comes along, steady.

But this is me just being ranting. Half serious. Half rambling. 

Am i wasting my time?

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Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red?
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again

Well, this is not for real, afraid to feel
I just hit the floor, don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
Let's make the call and take it all
I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time again, woah again

Happy? New Year

Disclaimer: forgive any typos since im writing this after finishing a glass of wine on this fine new year's day. and forgive if i tend to ramble on senseless things.

the weather's nice. cool. calm. breezy. perfect cuddle weather. with just the perfect amount of drizzle. i prefer this to any sunny day. it's nice to walk with a jacket on, walk, think, hope. 

well the year's definitely new. but happy? haha i refuse to think about it. nor answer it. but let me try to.

work - been great. doing great on that front. future's looking bright. if i continue on my path, and not fuck up the things ive worked for, it's going to be awesome. lately, career's been the only thing constant. it's what i do most of the time, it's what gets me through the week. before i know it, a week's over, then a month, then a year. and im moving closer to that dream project ive been wanting to do. 

lovelife - hmm. it's weird. it's like i have it, but technically i don't. am i setting myself up for another heartbreak? i dont know. and when that happens, i know im going to tell myself 'i told you so'. i don't like to risk it anymore, been wounded and hurt and it took a long time before i got over the last time. i don't want to go into that dark place again. but what to do if things aren't going the way i want it to be?

do i compromise?

do i hold off?

do i wait/hope for things to get better?

do i get someone who's not going to hurt me?

am i too privileged to assume that i deserve the best?

these are questions that i do not have the answers to. and i think i just refuse to answer these things now so i wont get sad. but the wine's kicking in. and silence of the night (and of my phone) makes these thoughts resonate. 

id better sleep. and tomorrow, start memorizing my lines again. 

---

Instead of the usual lyrics, i got some Grey's Anatomy lines. 

1. You have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean, sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture and close. But sometimes you're faced with a cut that won't heal

2. The key to surviving ... is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe... and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

3. Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts all you can do is swim. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing. Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

4. My point is this; whoever said, 'what you don't know can't hurt you', was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world

5. As surgeons we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and familes so that we can save other people's friends and families, which means that at the end of the day all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.. all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone.