Warning: this is going to be a lengthy post. I use this blog as some sort of catharsis, if you must. Releasing all I've been feeling, all I've been thinking. Just so that my mind (and heart) doesnt have all these emotions. And this is one place where I'm not afraid to get judged. not with my actions. or thoughts. or even grammar if you please.
I just passed through the most dramatic sequence in my lovelife. It was all crazy for the past week. I've been drinking. Drinking a lot. Blankly staring during the day. Driving endlessly through the night. Getting myself busy isn't helping, only makes me more sad during my down time. I was drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
I thought i said good bye to the last one. And even then he's making it hard to do so. I was so angry with him, for making me feel stupid. Just because i love him. Even though i've said good bye, his constant 'i miss you's' reminds mo of everything that i let go. But the anger that i feel topples all of it. so all along i thought im good. there was no way i was going to want to get him back. there was no way that i'd reach out to him again. there was no way of trying for another time.
then i get the most surprising news. That ive been lied to, much more than he led me to believe. and i was fooled. for more than a year. he was that bad of a person, and good of a liar.
he got me angry again. i know i shouldnt be. because ive let go. but i was. and ive realized that im still hurting.
he got me so jaded now. with love. that i wouldnt be able to find someone who will not just hurt me in the end. ive sort of given up. im at a place where if something works, then so be it. but im not hopeful anymore. ive lost the drive, of truly finding someone, and be genuinely happy.
i met someone. who, in some twisted turn of events, is one of ex's others. and we discovered that we connect. in a lot of ways. in a lot more ways than ex did. we'll talk about ex. we'll both be sad remembering him because our dates were similar. but then we'd find ways to help each other get over this. we initially bonded like this, friends who supported one another. but this, definitely, complicates things.
i get excited when he messages. more than i should. more than a friend should. we'd message all day. i would be counting the hours up until his next reply (and i learned he did the same thing).
but we're both scarred. we're both damaged. we've both got baggage. and i dont know if i was trying to compensate for the lack of lovelife. or maybe he was trying to get over ex. or if we really do connect. but im scared. im afraid im putting myself out there again, only to be broken. im jaded. that nothing is going to ever work out.
i wish i met him before ex. i wish he met me before ex. then we'd be happy. but right now, all i want to do is take a step back. relax. and write.
today i prayed for us. and for ex. he told me he did too. i just prayed for happiness. peace of mind. peace of heart.
and now i think everything's settling down. emotions are dying down. and im ready to really move on.
