Looking

I saw Looking (the movie) the other day. and what the fuckkkk?! I wasnt really a fan of the show.. but i managed to watch the entire series. seeing what would happen to them. oftentimes, id find myself falling asleep or skipping parts when there's a lot of talking... but i digress.

I saw the movie. which is the ending and closure it needed after the finale of the second season, and the announcement that it is not coming back. but i digress again.

The reason i am writing this now is how much the movie gave me the feels... spot on. how much i hated what patrick did to himself and to others... only to realize that ive been doing the same things in my life. somehow, ive managed to fuck up everyone ive started to care for and have feelings for. and in the end, in trying to do self preservation, i end up being... alone.

On seeing and talking to exes again. ive always wondered what it would be like to seen an ex again. or someone i dated that didnt work out. i think id always have feelings for them. but hope that things would be like that again. but... it really doesnt work that way does it. we will never be friends. no matter how much we meant to each other at that time, my work mate will be closer to me than him. from now on. fucking up a relationship really really destroys it all.

Which brings me to another point. it's funny how someone who just said "i love you" to you a few days ago is someone you cant stand now. i think people use those three words quite loosely nowadays. where it doesnt mean a lot anymore. well maybe, it really doesnt.

Patrick transferred to another city. to start anew. and honestly, ive thought about that. and what the movie says is that.. when you come back, everything you left behind will keep crawling back. and somehow, it still hurts. and honestly, it's as if you didnt go away at all.

Ive thought about maintaining contacts with my exes and the people i dated which didnt work out. on the one end, i shouldve just cut them off because what the hell for? on the other end, i shouldnt because as they say, "may pinagsamahan" naman. but im so lost. having them in my life just leaves me wanting.. wanting to get back with them? or wanting to meet someone who can be what they used to be in my life?

I've tried to date, yes. And somehow, i cannot give my entire self again to someone. Always have had the funny feeling that theyd just break my heart in the end. and theres that satisfaction when it doesnt work.

So yeah. I guess the point im trying to make here is to just stop. Stop looking for someone new. Stop looking back. Just stop. Stop looking.

Of Headaches and Heartaches

I've been meaning to write, honestly. It's just that there's nothing worth writing after the whole gauntlet of what ive been through about this time last year. Well, here's to nothing.

So at this time last year, I was pretty much in a quiet place. Broken up amicably with the ex, and then trying to date people. no stress.

At this time this year, I dont know how different it is. I'm still single, thats for sure. Tried to date a few people in between. Especially once i realized that i was ready. and i wasn't hurting anymore. it wouldn't be fair to the new person im dating i wasnt.

Then comes my "lessons" from the previous breakup. Now i think ive become more vigilant(?). it hurts, with the slightest sign of doubt from the other. i know it's not healthy. but i've been fooled. fooled several times. and i'm too afraid to be fooled by someone again.

Loving might mean taking chances. Taking a chance at happiness. But it also risks my heart getting broken, yet again. and im not so sure im ready for that. im most likely going to give up with the first sign of doubt that i see.

Maybe im not ready for another one. Maybe i keep on fooling myself that im ready but im still haunted by past relationships. Maybe this isnt really for me.

Sigh.

This is giving me a headache.