Spring Cleaning

So it's nearly the end of the year, and a big project that ive been doing for the past few years is coming to close. it is comforting that this chapter of my life is done, and i know that i did it well. but it's also scary.. with all the ups and downs my love life (or the lack of it..) has given me, this project is what sort of got me through. even during the times i was hurting, or sad and lonely, i knew that work was something i could depend on. and it will get me occupied throughout the day, being able to avoid hurting. but it is ending soon.

i took a break from work recently. and have started cleaning my place. throwing a lot of things i wont be needing anymore because of my project will be done in a few days. and ive been thinking, should i start cleaning up my life too? starting maybe with my phone and social media accounts. just get things out of the way. and hopefully, start anew.

ive tried dating. but no one seems able to sweep me off my feet entirely. ive found someone good in bed, good in dating, good conversationalist, good to travel with, etc. but not all in the same person. ive tried giving each a chance, but for some reason, it's just not working.

maybe ive been treating my love life like i treat my work. because ive gotten to a certain position at work, i can demand for certain things that i want. and anything less just wont cut it. and ive treated dating the same way. i feel like ive earned the right to demand for things from the other person. and anything less just wont cut it.

but is it really like that? have i really earned it? maybe that's the reason why im single. and i might be for a long time.

An Open Letter for Someone from the Past

I am writing this because I don't know if ill be able to talk to you again. And I think I need this release of sorts. To get things off my chest… because frankly, theyre kind of getting heavy now. And it shouldn't be. And I shouldn't let it. 

I guess it’s pretty clear now that whatever we have is over. Whatever that is. But I think that at least you should have had the decency (?) or the balls (?) or even the respect to talk to me. Or to tell me that it is. For what, you may ask? I guess it says more a lot about you than it is about me. 

For someone to whom you say the words “i love you” and virtually kisses several times a day, dropping me like that seemed kind of easy for you. Either you did not mean those three words really in every sense of the word.. or youre just being a jerk and this is how you act. I guess when you say you love someone, you don't just drop them when there “a lot of things” on your plate. 

I don't know how troubled your past is or how someone has hurt you.. But your sense of self preservation is pretty strong. But then again, when they say that you love someone, you share a little bit of yourself with the other. And that's how exactly how I am now with you. Ive started to care for you.. started to let you into my life little by little.  So you know, it kind of sucks how im feeling right now. 

Ive always joked (half meaning it) that im not really so sure with you. That there’s this funny feeling that you’ll just break my heart in the end. And I was hopeful I would be proved wrong. But there. 

And again, I don’t know. It’s as if youre hiding behind your work. And that what I would’ve wanted to say is “you could’ve at least tried”. But then again, maybe because it’s not me that you really want. 

Youre intelligent, I gotta give you that. And maybe all the guys you've dated you could manipulate intellectually. And that maybe you met your match when you met me (as you've told me). As argumentative as you are (because of your profession), you've met someone who calls bull as bull. And maybe it as too much for you that im hard to manipulate?. I don't know. I never got the answer. Maybe it was too much for your ego too. Someone 8 years your junior, who’s just starting to make a name for himself, is treating you like an equal. And that could be some scary shit too I admit. 

And as intelligent as you are, your emotional intelligence sucks big time. You may know yourself a lot. But you know, loving someone is being empathic with the other. Now, you don't only get to think about yourself. You have now to think of the other and how the other feels. If you do, or don’t do, something. 

So actually, what this whole episode with you has done to me is to shut me up. And be mature (?) about things. It’s hardened my heart more, for sure. And that doesn't seem to be a bad thing after all. 

To JC, here’s a glass of chilled Shiraz for you

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Looking

I saw Looking (the movie) the other day. and what the fuckkkk?! I wasnt really a fan of the show.. but i managed to watch the entire series. seeing what would happen to them. oftentimes, id find myself falling asleep or skipping parts when there's a lot of talking... but i digress.

I saw the movie. which is the ending and closure it needed after the finale of the second season, and the announcement that it is not coming back. but i digress again.

The reason i am writing this now is how much the movie gave me the feels... spot on. how much i hated what patrick did to himself and to others... only to realize that ive been doing the same things in my life. somehow, ive managed to fuck up everyone ive started to care for and have feelings for. and in the end, in trying to do self preservation, i end up being... alone.

On seeing and talking to exes again. ive always wondered what it would be like to seen an ex again. or someone i dated that didnt work out. i think id always have feelings for them. but hope that things would be like that again. but... it really doesnt work that way does it. we will never be friends. no matter how much we meant to each other at that time, my work mate will be closer to me than him. from now on. fucking up a relationship really really destroys it all.

Which brings me to another point. it's funny how someone who just said "i love you" to you a few days ago is someone you cant stand now. i think people use those three words quite loosely nowadays. where it doesnt mean a lot anymore. well maybe, it really doesnt.

Patrick transferred to another city. to start anew. and honestly, ive thought about that. and what the movie says is that.. when you come back, everything you left behind will keep crawling back. and somehow, it still hurts. and honestly, it's as if you didnt go away at all.

Ive thought about maintaining contacts with my exes and the people i dated which didnt work out. on the one end, i shouldve just cut them off because what the hell for? on the other end, i shouldnt because as they say, "may pinagsamahan" naman. but im so lost. having them in my life just leaves me wanting.. wanting to get back with them? or wanting to meet someone who can be what they used to be in my life?

I've tried to date, yes. And somehow, i cannot give my entire self again to someone. Always have had the funny feeling that theyd just break my heart in the end. and theres that satisfaction when it doesnt work.

So yeah. I guess the point im trying to make here is to just stop. Stop looking for someone new. Stop looking back. Just stop. Stop looking.

Of Headaches and Heartaches

I've been meaning to write, honestly. It's just that there's nothing worth writing after the whole gauntlet of what ive been through about this time last year. Well, here's to nothing.

So at this time last year, I was pretty much in a quiet place. Broken up amicably with the ex, and then trying to date people. no stress.

At this time this year, I dont know how different it is. I'm still single, thats for sure. Tried to date a few people in between. Especially once i realized that i was ready. and i wasn't hurting anymore. it wouldn't be fair to the new person im dating i wasnt.

Then comes my "lessons" from the previous breakup. Now i think ive become more vigilant(?). it hurts, with the slightest sign of doubt from the other. i know it's not healthy. but i've been fooled. fooled several times. and i'm too afraid to be fooled by someone again.

Loving might mean taking chances. Taking a chance at happiness. But it also risks my heart getting broken, yet again. and im not so sure im ready for that. im most likely going to give up with the first sign of doubt that i see.

Maybe im not ready for another one. Maybe i keep on fooling myself that im ready but im still haunted by past relationships. Maybe this isnt really for me.

Sigh.

This is giving me a headache.