On settling

When it comes to relationships, i think i already know what i want and what i dont want. then there's what you call as "settling". like say, sex isnt great, but it isnt bad either. so ill just overlook it because he's nice... or put it another way, he's not that goodlooking.. or that smart. but he's really nice and he's always around.

on the surface, it may seem nice. like youve found someone youll be happy with. and never mind that he isnt great, as long as he's not bad.

but you see, i dont like to settle anymore. ive settled with one of my exes. and where did i end up? cheating.. because i was looking for something that we wasnt offering. i dont like to go back to that place. i want someone who wont make me look for something else from others

at the other end, i dont want for someone to settle on me. just because im the available one. ju
st break it off if you are settling on me. we both deserve better.



________


You bored me with your stories
I can't belive that I endured you for as long as I did
I'm happy, it's over, I'm only sorry
That I didn't make the move before you

And when you go I will remember
To send a thankyou note to that girl, (oh that girl)
I see she's holding you so tender
Well I just wanna say...
(Just wanna say...)

I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away

Subject to Availability

The impression of being available (ie. cmon, hit on me, because im single, available, and im interested in guys too) is a factor ive only realized just recently. I was wondering how this co-actor, who (in all honesty) looks less marketable than i do, gets more guys, and even some of the guys i want for myself. and what's even more surprising is that he' s not the one making the initial move. so you can just imagine the inggit i feel, being still inside the closet and torpe at the same time. 

When were just starting artistas, CM (costar) initially confessed to me that he has a crush on me. I (being inside the closet, not attracted to him, and being his costar) just brushed it aside but wanted to still be his friend. So initially, it was awkward between us. but then things became good and we were friends again. so he starts sharing his crushes and conquests. and oh shit. he got a director, producer, teacher, production assistant, cameraman, new actor, etc. Basically, he was getting the guys he wanted. or actually, people were coming on to him.

and i just watch and wonder why he gets all that and i dont. again, in all honesty, im more marketable. but the thing i blame is.. the impression of being available. either that im too unapproachable, or that i dont give hints that i like guys enough, or both. which got me into thinking.. maybe i should loosen up a bit? or not mind how i appear? or give subtle hints that i like guys too? being in the closet and being torpe is not a good combination. 

i recently had a talk with a former one time fling turned friend. he was tall, handsome, built (like a model), and had a big one if i remember right. he looks like an alpha male, with no hint that he likes dicks too. and he shared the same problem. people are too intimidated by him that no guy/gay hits on him. it's frustrating. 

-------

I want you to know
You could be the one for me, yes you could
(Yes you could)
You've got all I'm lookin' for
You've got personality

I know (I know)
You know (You know)
I wanna give you more (Give you more)

The things you do
I've never felt this way before

So boy, won't you come
Won't you come and open the door?
Listen to me

(All I want is you) Come over here baby
(All I want is you) Oh, you make me go crazy

(All I want is you)

Next to me.. or Not

You won't find him drinking at the tables
rolling dice and staying out til 3
you won't ever find him being unfaithful
you will find him, you'll find him next to me

You won't find him trying to chase the devil
for money, fame, for power, out of grief
you won't ever find him where the rest go
you will find him, you'll find him next to me

When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished
and I can't seem to find no help or love for free
I know there's no need for me to panic
cause i'll find him, i'll find him next to me

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
well, all I need is a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, will find him next to me

When the end has come and buildings falling down fast
when we spoilt the land and dried up all the sea
when everyone has lost their heads around us
you will find him you'll find him next to me

Never in my life have i met someone like him
I'm blown away by his love for me
if you ever wonder where it is you'll find him
you will find him, you will find him next to me



...... OR NOT. jeesh.

Of Disclaimers

I hate disclaimers. I hate explaining. I have that "i dont care" attitude usually. But people are asking..

My posts are not chronological. My posts are not current. When something pops up (among other things), I write it down. If i finish, I publish. if not, i publish some other time.

jeesh. I hate explaining myself.

Open House

Been trying something new. Im now "dating" someone.. by date i mean we go to certain places, hold hands at times, eat out (or in), cuddle a bit, and have lots of sex. but we also get to have sex with other people as well. trying out this "open relationship" thing, or is there such a thing?

im not quite sure im willing to dive into a relationship again. seeing that the "perfect" one just failed. i think im still not over the loss. maybe because i almost gave up a year ago. then went back. then got put down. maybe i shouldnt have made the trip back.

or i could just go back to dating girls again. but that would be just fooling myself, and fooling her. i recently talked to someone, our kind dates girls from time to time to get that "feeling". of being able to hold someone's hand while walking, of kissing and hugging in malls, restaurants, etc.

anyway, i digress. so open.. basically, we can have sex with anyone we want, just make sure to be honest and tell each other. perfect for disaster, right? but we're not a WE yet. and im not willing to give it up just yet... again...

so yeah, we do. we tell each other. no jealousy at my end. nor his (i think). then one day, we were supposed to meet. for some reason, taping got extended so i wasnt available. then he hooked up with former one-time-on-screen-partner.

somehow something doesnt quite feel right..

1. im not used to this
2. im starting to have deeper feelings for him
3. i didnt like that i was replaced right there and then
4. it was a former one time on screen partner
5. all of the above

so even though i was having sex with someone that time too, somehow i think he one-upped me.. and he's enjoying that im "jealous". which makes me wonder, will he do it again so ill get jealous and want an exclusive thing?

so anyway. i dont know.


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Are you in?Livin' in sin is the new thing, yeahAre you in?I am countin'
1, 2, 3Not only you and meGot one eighty degreesAnd I'm caught in between
Countin' 1, 2, 3Peter, Paul, and MaryGettin' down with 3PEverybody loves countin'