I begin this new year with everything new. Because of work, I am in a different country, set to live out my entire 2018 in this new place. Where there is a lot of new culture to embrace, new language to learn (or at least try to), and new food to stomach (again, at least try to). I know that one year is a short time. But a lot can happen, or not happen, in one year.
My career, although heading in the right direction, has lost its velocity. This move hopes to increase my market, allowing me to earn exponentially more once I finish this task. More importantly, there's professional satisfaction. But enough about that. I've talked to countless people regarding career moves.
This blog, as you know, is for my personal (including sexual) thoughts. It was 'easier' for me to move because I, technically, am not leaving someone behind. No SOMEONE. Been single for more than two years now. Tried dating. Each one failing. No one sustaining my interest (or the other way around). Tried re-dating guys from my past. Again each one making me realize why they did not work in the first place.
All these could be my fault. I keep asking myself if it is. And the conclusion I've arrived at is... YES. My standards are higher than before. and I keep on telling myself not to put them down. Then I realized maybe they're not standards. maybe they are walls... walls to keep me from getting hurt again I guess. or making myself vulnerable.
Before leaving, I had the chance to meet someone. Lawyer. yet again. So intellectually and professionally, we're at par. We would fleetingly message each other every night. And maybe talk on the phone every 2-3 nights until we both fall asleep. Talks would last hours and not notice it. But there were days that pass without us texting. Either i fall asleep before he can reply, or the other way around.
We saw each other once a week. twice if we're lucky. alternating between him going to my place, or me going to his. Usually just talk. then sex. then talk some more. meetings would last maybe about 4 hours since we usually meet at night after work. Sexually, compatible. not great, but satisfying. so it wasn't a problem.
And i think i saw a problem. he was not sweet/romantic. No good morning. No urging to eat lunch. No sweet nothings on the phone. I thought it was a problem because i was looking and yearning for it. then I realize that I'm him, a couple of years ago. So.. I thought it was okay.
Before I left, we went on 'dates'. Watched a movie. Ate out a couple of times. and a few times just hung out. watched a movie on the sofa, cuddled, etc without things ending with sex.
Things went on like this. and we both didn't notice it was already 3 months we were 'dating'?. I'm not even sure we were. Or it was just friends hanging out, having sex, and talking. He had a Christmas gift for me. And I had one for him too. My gut says not to think about it and just let it run its course. So I did. Until this big career move happened.
So it has been three weeks since I left. And now we still message each other everyday like old times. I get to call him once or twice a week. He knows my frustrations while I'm here, and the simple joys I discover here too. Once, I thanked him for helping me get through this. And more than once, he told me to just hang on.
I still don't know what we are. Or what I should expect. Maybe he meets and dates someone? And I may not ever know. Or in the event he tells me, it should be okay, right? But I don't think it will be. But he has every reason to do so. I mean, what's keeping him from doing so? Me? I don't think so.
So I guess I'm letting this run its course again. And see if our nightly messaging last a month? two? six? or a year? And it's not like I'm closing my doors to dating others too. There's just really no one here. Haha. So... wait and see? and focus on my career?
My career, although heading in the right direction, has lost its velocity. This move hopes to increase my market, allowing me to earn exponentially more once I finish this task. More importantly, there's professional satisfaction. But enough about that. I've talked to countless people regarding career moves.
This blog, as you know, is for my personal (including sexual) thoughts. It was 'easier' for me to move because I, technically, am not leaving someone behind. No SOMEONE. Been single for more than two years now. Tried dating. Each one failing. No one sustaining my interest (or the other way around). Tried re-dating guys from my past. Again each one making me realize why they did not work in the first place.
All these could be my fault. I keep asking myself if it is. And the conclusion I've arrived at is... YES. My standards are higher than before. and I keep on telling myself not to put them down. Then I realized maybe they're not standards. maybe they are walls... walls to keep me from getting hurt again I guess. or making myself vulnerable.
Before leaving, I had the chance to meet someone. Lawyer. yet again. So intellectually and professionally, we're at par. We would fleetingly message each other every night. And maybe talk on the phone every 2-3 nights until we both fall asleep. Talks would last hours and not notice it. But there were days that pass without us texting. Either i fall asleep before he can reply, or the other way around.
We saw each other once a week. twice if we're lucky. alternating between him going to my place, or me going to his. Usually just talk. then sex. then talk some more. meetings would last maybe about 4 hours since we usually meet at night after work. Sexually, compatible. not great, but satisfying. so it wasn't a problem.
And i think i saw a problem. he was not sweet/romantic. No good morning. No urging to eat lunch. No sweet nothings on the phone. I thought it was a problem because i was looking and yearning for it. then I realize that I'm him, a couple of years ago. So.. I thought it was okay.
Before I left, we went on 'dates'. Watched a movie. Ate out a couple of times. and a few times just hung out. watched a movie on the sofa, cuddled, etc without things ending with sex.
Things went on like this. and we both didn't notice it was already 3 months we were 'dating'?. I'm not even sure we were. Or it was just friends hanging out, having sex, and talking. He had a Christmas gift for me. And I had one for him too. My gut says not to think about it and just let it run its course. So I did. Until this big career move happened.
So it has been three weeks since I left. And now we still message each other everyday like old times. I get to call him once or twice a week. He knows my frustrations while I'm here, and the simple joys I discover here too. Once, I thanked him for helping me get through this. And more than once, he told me to just hang on.
I still don't know what we are. Or what I should expect. Maybe he meets and dates someone? And I may not ever know. Or in the event he tells me, it should be okay, right? But I don't think it will be. But he has every reason to do so. I mean, what's keeping him from doing so? Me? I don't think so.
So I guess I'm letting this run its course again. And see if our nightly messaging last a month? two? six? or a year? And it's not like I'm closing my doors to dating others too. There's just really no one here. Haha. So... wait and see? and focus on my career?
Did you even asked him about your "relationship" status? Or asked him if you were exclusive only to each other? Damn this is painful if this will end up again as a fail. Bakit ba kayo nagpapakiramdaman?
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